Lá Sa Saol
by agrove
Summary: Companion piece to Learning to Live Again. A collection of random one-shots in varying lengths that relate to Learning to Live Again. A small peek into everyone's daily lives and the troubles they sometimes face. Topics chosen by myself and you, the readers.
1. Gangsta's Paradise

**This is a companion piece to Learning To Live Again, I suggest reading it before reading this. This is a collection of random one-shots in varying lengths that relate to LTLA, both during the fic and after the epilogue and will be in no particular order. I will post at random intervals.**

**Ok here's the fun part, I need ideas! If you would like to submit an idea please private message me with the subject line filled in with: **_**Prompt**_**. Please tell me what scene you would like me to write and what genre you would prefer, if any. All I ask is that you remember this is related to LTLA and therefore needs to at least slightly relate to Ryan, Dev, and/or Alexis.**

**Thank you and happy reading!**

* * *

**********Title: Gangsta's Paradise**

******Summary: ****This is actually a deleted scene from LTLA. I wrote this but then realized I had nowhere to fit it in and didn't have the heart to delete it.**

**Genre: Humor**

**Characters: Ryan, Esposito, Castle**

* * *

Castle trotted down the steps in front of the 12th precinct, his feet hitting the concrete lightly as he whistled to himself and headed towards the parking lot. Just as he stepped around the corner and caught sight of the boys's red Charger he pulled back and bit his lip to keep from laughing. When he was sure he could stay quiet he pulled his phone from his pocket and peeked around the corner before beginning to film the hilarious scene in front of him.

Ryan and Esposito, arguably two of the cities best detectives, were seated in their car singing a very spot on and enthusiastic rendition of Gangsta's Paradise. The windows were down, their arms resting on their respective sills and their heads bobbed as they sang every word along with the radio. Small smiles were on their faces, their eyes hidden behind sunglasses and laughs escaping them every so often.

_Tell me why are we, so blind to see_

_That the ones we hurt, are you and me_

_Been spending most their lives living in the Gangsta's Paradise_

When the song sadly came to an end Castle pressed a few keys before sliding his phone back into his pocket and waited a beat before walking up to the car with a large grin. "Hey guys."

Ryan actually jumped in his seat, only his seatbelt keeping him in place while Esposito narrowed his eyes at the writer's suspiciously smug expression. "Castle. Where's Beckett?"

"On her way down."

Beckett suddenly appeared next to Castle and looked at her two detectives. "Ready to go?" At their twin nods she read off the address of where they were all headed before her lips twitched. "Be careful. You better watch how you talkin', and where you walkin' or you and your homies might be lined in chalk." With a wink she made her way over to her car leaving a hysterical Castle and two men wearing the same gob smacked expression.

Ryan's jaw dropped as his eyes darted to Esposito, the other man's alarmed expression matching his.

Sensing they had no idea how to respond Castle took over, "Don't worry guys, I only sent the video to everyone in the precinct."

Esposito finally shrugged, "We sound damn good. We could do this as a second career."

"Crime fighters by day, rappers by night," Ryan grinned.

Castle smirked, "What would your name be?"

"Salt and Peppa."

Ryan twisted in his seat, "Wait, am I Salt? I don't want to be Salt."

"Well you sure can't be Peppa, Vanilla Ice," Esposito replied.

"Are you calling me vanilla?" he asked in shock. "Well your name can be brown sugar." A grimace covered his face, "That makes you sound like a stripper, forget I said that. What else it white?"

"Crackers."

Castle watched them drive away, a grin still covering his face. "I wonder if I should post that to Twitter," he wondered aloud as he climbed in Beckett's car.

"Definitely."


	2. And Then There Was One

**********Title: And Then There Was One**

******Summary:**** I heard a song, Red is the Rose by The High Kings, and it struck me as so beautifully tragic. This scene popped into my head, Ryan's thoughts and actions during his wife's funeral.**

**Genre: Angst/Tragedy**

**Characters: Ryan**

* * *

_Come over the hills, my bonnie Irish lass_

_Come over the hills to your darling_

_You choose the rose, love, and I'll make the vow_

_And I'll be your true love forever._

Ryan stood stoically as the casket slowly descended into the earth, as Jenny made her way to her final resting place. The stroke had come from nowhere; no warning, no way to prepare. They had put Devlin to sleep in his crib and watched his small form fall asleep, tiny arms and legs tucking in for the night. Walking hand in hand the two had slipped into their bed with whispered words of love and promises to see each other in the morning. While two went to sleep only one woke. Ryan had tried to wake her; shaken and yelled, cried and begged, but she never moved. Her eyes were closed and would never reopen.

Devlin shifted slightly in his arms but mostly stayed quiet and still, the palpable grief around him smothering his normally happy emotions. Ryan never moved from his spot, his eyes never strayed from the plot that sat void of earth. People gave their condolences and began to drift away, one by one going home to loved ones that were still alive. Empty words from people that he had never even met fell on deaf ears. Eventually only Castle, Beckett, and Esposito remained, no one willing to leave until Ryan did. They were the only ones that never gave fake comforts, the only ones that knew that words were just letters strung together that didn't do justice to any part of the situation.

_Red is the rose that in yonder garden grows _

_Fair is the lily of the valley_

_Clear is the water that flows from the Boyne _

_But my love is fairer than any._

The first tear was small and silent, a barely visible droplet of pain that ran down his cheek and dripped onto the ground that now contained his love. Beckett had approached him slowly and gently took his son from his shaking arms while another tear fell. Everything was starting to hit, the reality that he would never see long flaxen hair again coupled with a bright smile and green eyes. He would never again get to touch skin soft as silk and fall to sleep to the voice of an angel.

A choked sob burst from his throat before he could stop it and when strong arms pulled him into a hug he finally let himself go. A horrible ache spread through him, an emptiness that would never be refilled. The ring still on his finger, which used to bring him joy now felt heavy and painful. It hurt to breath, it hurt to stand, it just hurt. The only thing keeping him from just collapsing were the arms of his partner who held him tightly while he too cried, both for the loss of a friend and the pain of another.

_'Twas down by Killarney's green woods that we strayed _

_When the moon and the stars they were shining _

_The moon shone its rays on her locks of golden hair _

_And she swore she'd be my love forever. _

No one tried to get him to leave when the sun began to set, it's glow drifting behind the cemetery trees and casting shadows across the few living souls still standing among the dead. Time had no meaning anymore, the sun rose and set but it would never bring another day with his wife. Blue eyes clouded with agony finally began to clear and without a word to the few who remained he collected his son and the two began to walk away towards an uncertain future. Black shoes moved slowly over the ground, every step more difficult than the last as his heart tugged in the other direction, his soul searching for it's lost mate. Instead of a pair only one set of footprints made imprints in the grass, one lonely set that would forever walk alone. It has been said that the most selfish thing one can do is mourn the death of a loved one. No amount of sadness or grief would make her return and he knew she would never want to be the cause of so much pain. Yet he couldn't help the tears that continued to fall, silently spattering against his sons black coat.

_It's not for the parting that my sister pains_

_It's not for the grief of my mother _

_'Tis all for the loss of my bonny Irish lass_

_That my heart is breaking forever._


	3. Rise Up

**Title: Rise Up**

******Summary:**** This is another deleted scene from LTLA that I couldn't fit in anywhere. Jenny's parents, who Ryan has never gotten along with, pop over unannounced to visit Devlin. This scene takes place while Ryan is still on medical leave from the precinct after getting shot.**

**Genre: Drama**

**Characters: Ryan, Alexis**

* * *

Alexis swung open the apartment door and smiled politely at the older couple standing in front of her, "Can I help you?"

The two looked her up and down a few times with expressions that were less than pleased before the woman spoke, "We're here to see Devlin. We're his grandparents."

Her eyes widened and she swung the door open, "I'm sorry, come in." Once they were inside she shut the door and held out her hand, "I'm Alexis, Dev's nanny." Only once the words left her mouth did she realize how this looked, a young nanny that was dressed in yoga pants and her employers t-shirt at nine am with bed head. She saw their expressions and prayed for a distraction, which thankfully came a second later when Devlin wandered into the room.

A frown covered her face when she saw Devlin looked less than pleased at the new arrivals.

While the woman walked over to the couch with her grandson the man turned to face Alexis, "Where's Kevin?"

"In the shower, he should be out soon." The man harrumphed and walked towards the couch leaving Alexis standing there awkwardly, they hadn't even offered their names.

Ryan came out of his bedroom a short time later dressed in a black Thundercats t-shirt and dark jeans and froze at the sight of the people on the couch. He was standing behind them and gestured wildly to Alexis who shrugged. With an eye roll and a shake of his head he entered the room and smiled, well more like grimaced.

"Christie, William. This is a… surprise," he said evenly.

Both turned and looked at him. "Well we don't like to call because then you're never home when we get here." The room descended into a tense silence until Christie spoke again, "We met your _nanny_."

Not dignifying that with a response he looked at his son, "You hungry bud?" Seeing his nod he walked to the kitchen and grabbed eggs and cheese to make breakfast. Hearing footsteps behind him he didn't flinch when a soft hand grabbed his arm.

"You relax," Alexis said after noticing he was so rigid with stress that he was beginning to shake. "Have some coffee and just relax."

He nodded and stepped back with a sigh, "They're Jenny's parents. How someone so sweet came from such sour people is a mystery to me. I try to avoid them but they've obviously caught on to that."

Alexis cracked the eggs into the pan and glanced at her boyfriend who was sipping his black coffee. "I'm sure it doesn't help that I introduced myself as the nanny. Sorry."

He shook his head, "Don't apologize, who cares what they think. They've had it out for me since Jenny introduced us, being a cop is apparently too low brow for them. In case you can't tell from all the gold they wear they're very well off. "

"Dev! Breakfast," she called out as she finished the eggs and put them on a plate.

He ran into the kitchen and jumped up to sit at the bar with a smile, "Thank you."

To everyone's disappointment his grandparents followed, William eying Ryan like something stuck to the bottom of his shoe. "So Kevin, still a policeman? Do you pull over many people?"

He half shrugged and forced a smile, "I'm actually a detective, but you know. Whatever."

"If you're working why are you here?" William asked.

Kevin stared at his coffee, "There was an accident at work a few weeks ago, I'm just taking it easy."

"Daddy got shot!" Devlin chimed in excitedly.

Kevin gulped down the rest of his coffee and wished for once there was copious amounts of alcohol in it. He set the cup down as he waited for the inevitable response. "Well if daddy loved you he'd be much more careful." He had expected it but it still stung to hear it.

Alexis stared at Kevin and waited for a rebuttal but it didn't come. Biting her tongue so hard it bled she started to clean up the kitchen.

Dev came to his dad's rescue innocently stating, "My daddy loves me more than all of the stars in the sky combined."

Ryan felt his heart swell at his son's words but reality came back a second later when William spoke, "Does he spend much time with you or are you always with your _nanny_?"

Ryan's eyes narrowed at the couple as Devlin answered, "Daddy has to catch bad guys to keep it safe for me and my friends, when he does that I get to be with Lex."

Christie shook her head sadly, "So daddy doesn't make time for you often."

Guilt overtook Ryan and he stared down at the floor before excusing himself quietly and going to his room where he closed the door and sat down on the floor next to his bed and stared out his window at the blue sky. It was one thing for Jenny's parents to belittle him but it was horrible when there were witnesses. He had wanted to say something for years but out of respect for Jenny he stayed quiet. Now Alexis had listened to them beat him down and point out how bad he was at parenting.

Logically he knew he did pretty well with Devlin, caring and providing for him while offering all the love and support he possibly could but in the back of his mind he always felt like it wasn't enough. His biggest fear in life, seeing as losing the love of his life had already happened, was letting Devlin down and every single time Jenny's parents popped over the fear flew to the front of his mind.

"No," he said to himself. He was a damn good father and Devlin knew how much he was loved. Who were they to come in here and question things that had nothing to do with them? They only came when it was convenient for them and didn't even try to help him after the funeral was done. He wasn't the bad guy and as much as Jenny loved her parents and always tried to keep the peace he knew she wouldn't want him to keep allowing them to demean him in front of their son. With a newfound determination he lifted himself off the floor and entered the living room where Alexis was standing off to the side glaring at the couple who were talking to Devlin like he was two.

"Hey Dev, could you go show Alexis your homework? I bet she could help you finish your picture." He nodded happily and Ryan felt anger surge up at the relief on his little face when Alexis grabbed his hand and led him away.

Not wasting any time and thankful that Alexis paid attention enough to close the door behind them he turned and faced the two on the couch. "You two need to leave."

Christie began to laugh condescendingly, "What?"

Ryan pointed to the door, "Get out. I'm done with all of it, the comments and looks and everything you've done to me since you met me. You don't respect me or anything I do."

"Can you blame us?" William asked with a scoff. "You run around like some sort of vigilante and get shot. You obviously don't care for your son."

"Exactly," he sneered. "He's mine, not yours. You don't understand that I don't have to let you see him and until you start acting like actual people and not the world's biggest bigots stay the hell away from my son and I."

Both stood stiffly and William came over and stood at his full height as he poked Ryan in the chest, the motion making pain spark through him as the finger pressed down next to his stitches. Glaring up with cold eyes he gritted out, "You touch me again I'll arrest you for assault."

William jerked back and with a final cutting remark, "Nice to see you being a good roll model for your son," they were gone.

He stared at the closed door for several minutes until a frustrated noise came from his throat and he walked to his room. His hand lifted to gently massage his chest which was still throbbing from William and shook his head. "Could have handled that better," he whispered to himself but he had achieved what he wanted to. It felt good to stand up for himself and he wondered why he hadn't done it years before.


	4. Lost Loves and Love Lost

**Title: Lost Loves and Love Lost**

******Summary:**** A face from Alexis's past reemerges putting her and Ryan's relationship to the test. Takes place shortly after Alexis officially moves in with Ryan.**

**Genre: Drama**

**Characters: Ryan, Alexis**

* * *

Ryan looked over the file he had brought home and rubbed his hands through his short auburn hair with a groan. They had hit a dead end and since he always copied everything anyway he had brought the scans of pictures and files home trying to notice anything everyone might have missed. It wasn't looking promising after the second hour.

Alexis's phone began to vibrate on the table, the black rectangle slowly buzzing towards the edge. Ryan looked around before shouting, "Lex your phone is ringing."

Her smiling face appeared around the frame of Devlin's room, "Can you answer it? We're busy."

He debated just ignoring it and letting it go to voicemail but sometimes Castle called and if no one answered he automatically jumped to one of two conclusions, they were having sex or Alexis had been kidnapped. Both options made the writer go into a panic so it was always best to answer the phone just in case. "Alexis's phone," he answered feeling very much like a secretary.

The line was silent for a moment until a male voice asked, "Is Alexis there?"

"She's busy can I take a message?" he asked as his hands flipped through a few pictures. Thank goodness his son was in his room with Alexis because no one needed to see these images.

"This is Ashley, could you just have her call me?"

Finally having a name he stiffened slightly and couldn't help himself from biting out, "Ex-boyfriend Ashley?"

Clearly the displeasure in his tone was obvious because the other man matched it. "Yeah. Who's this?"

"Detective Ryan. I'll tell her you called." Not waiting for a response he ended the call and set the phone down with a stormy expression. Why was he even feeling jealous, what was this high school? She had moved in with him which meant they were more than serious yet here he was feeling like little fifteen year old dorky Kevin again.

"Who was it?" Alexis asked as she entered the living room alone.

He wanted to tell her no one, just some jerk who had the wrong number but being catty wasn't the way to keep their relationship running smoothly. "Your ex, Ashley."

"Seriously? What did he want?" she asked, confusion evident on her scrunched brow. "I haven't talked to him in years."

"Wanted you to call him."

"Huh," she said softly before turning away and going back to Devlin's room. He wanted to ask if she was going to call him back, or meet up with him but it wasn't his business so he kept his thoughts to himself and got back to work.

A week later Alexis was in the shower while Ryan put Devlin to bed, the man of the house turning off the lights in the apartment after reading his son a bed time story. He was just about to retire to his room when a glow from the kitchen caught his attention. When he entered he saw it was Alexis's phone and he walked over to glance at it.

_Great to talk to you the other day. We should meet up. –Ash_

The message itself seemed innocent enough, even though he'd be lying if he said it didn't bother him that she called her ex, but he knew better than to dismiss the text. He had heard the defensive and challenging tone last week containing a subtle hint of warning.

He set the object down and leaned against the counter in thought. Should he bring up his concerns and insecurities to his girlfriend or just let it go because he trusted her explicitly? Was Ashley really and truly a threat or just a thorn in his side that would disappear with a little time?

"You coming to bed?" Alexis softly asked from the doorway. With a nod he pushed off the cabinets and followed her to the bedroom.

At the precinct the next morning Ryan was sitting in his chair deep in thought, brown leather boots resting on the edge of his desk as he stared into the coffee mug he held in both hands.

"That coffee must be either really good or really bad."

He glanced up at Beckett who was smiling pleasantly, "I didn't hear you get here."

She dropped down into Esposito's empty chair and turned to face him, "I've been here for almost a half hour and I haven't been overly quiet. Any particular reason you're doing an impression of a statue?"

Ryan set down his now cold cup of coffee on his desk and leaned his head against the back of his chair wondering if telling Beckett would be the wisest decision. He usually spoke to Javi about things but seeing as he wasn't here for some reason and Beckett was he figured it couldn't hurt to talk a little about the issue at hand. "Did you ever meet Alexis's boyfriend Ashley?"

The detective nodded, "A couple times. I remember him being tall and thin. Nervous but confident when needed. Didn't seem like a bad kid, why?"

"He's been talking to Alexis lately," he mumbled.

Beckett's eyebrows shot up and she hummed in understanding. "Feeling a little jealous Ryan?"

"I know it's stupid but yes I am." He dropped his feet to the floor and huffed, "You're a woman, should I be nervous about this?"

Her lips twitched a little and she tried to keep her laughter to herself. "No. It's an ex-boyfriend, one that she had reasons for dumping. He may be younger and most likely have a Stanford education by now," she continued and laid her hand on his arm when he began to pout. "But Alexis loves you. Don't sell yourself short Ryan, you have a lot to offer and have no reason to be nervous of any competition." She stood up and grinned, "Plus you're pretty damn cute."

"Who's cute?" Esposito asked as he walked around the corner.

Beckett smirked at her youngest detective's blush, "Ryan."

"Isn't he though?" he teased as Ryan flashed him a flat look before finally smiling.

A few days later all his questions about the 'Ashley Issue' as he had come to call it were answered and all Kate's words went out the window. He had gotten off work earlier than he had anticipated, Esposito dropping him off a full hour before he was supposed to be home. Ryan walked around the corner from the stairs and took a few steps before stopping at the sight in front of him. Alexis and Ashley kissing in the hallway. A part of him had been waiting for the other shoe to drop, for everything to fall apart because it always seemed to but this still came as a shock. Not feeling like a confrontation he turned back around and entered the stairwell to catch his breath.

His conscience whispered that he should have expected this, after all she was still young, still finding out what she wanted in life. A million things raced through his head until he looked at his watch and realized it had already been an hour. With a heavy heart he walked out of the stairwell and to his apartment where Dev was thankfully already asleep and Alexis was sitting on the couch.

It took a lot for him to not burst out into a fit so to distract himself he simply walked to his room and took his time sliding off his gun and badge from his belt.

"Everything ok?"

He paused as he loosened his tie, "You tell me."

She walked around him and sat down on the bed to face him better, "What do you mean?" It was at this moment he realized he had two very different options he could choose; the first was that he could completely ignore what he had seen and continue to act like everything was fine. The second option was to confront her and end the best thing that's happened to him in the last three years.

"I saw you and Ashley."

Alexis's jaw dropped before she quickly tried to explain, "He said he wanted to talk in person and I told him that I'd give him five minutes and…"

Ryan shook his head, "I really don't feel like listening to this. I think you should go to Castle's for a few days."

"Kevin, please let me explain. It's not what it looked like…"

Running out of patience quickly he shook his head, "Do not make a scene or wake up my son, just get your things and go home. Now." He watched as she began to cry and collect all her belongings before walking out to the entryway. "Don't worry about taking care of Devlin, I'll take care of my son."

She finally broke down, "Please Kevin, please let me explain. I know how it looked and I know you're upset but that didn't mean anything. He kissed me."

"And what, you just decided to go along with it?" He felt himself start to break apart and opened the door, "Leave." When she finally stepped out into the hallway he closed the door and leaned against it, tears falling as his knees gave out. In the darkness of his home he began to sob.

The next day Ryan showed up for work and based off Castle's expression he knew what had happened. Fighting an eye roll he almost jumped for joy when the phone rang with a new murder. Not wasting any time he grabbed his keys and quickly walked to the elevator, intercepting Esposito before heading down.

Once they were on they way Esposito looked at his partner, "You ok bro?"

"Alexis and I had a fight, we're taking a break. Or we broke up. I don't know."

"What? When?" he asked in disbelief. "Why?"

Ryan sighed, "Last night. I don't want to talk about it."

Silence filled the air until Esposito couldn't take it any longer, "What happened?"

"I let my guard down is what happened. I was stupid and naïve and I don't want to talk about it," he said again. When they got to the scene they both went their separate ways quickly doing their jobs and relaying information to Beckett. Ryan would feel Castle's gaze on him the entire time and when he turned to leave he heard footsteps behind him.

"Ryan."

He ignored him until a hand on his shoulder made him jerk away and glare. "What?"

Castle looked down at him and for the first time Ryan felt bothered by how large the other man was compared to him. He crossed his arms and waited for Castle to speak. "Alexis came home pretty upset last night, said you kicked her out. Now she didn't give me any details but I know you two love each other. Do you want to talk about it, maybe I can help?"

"I don't want to discuss it, it's between me and her and it's over," he said as he turned to walk away.

Castle grabbed his arm and jerked him back a little, "I don't like her to be upset, what did you do?"

Ryan looked at the hand still around his arm, "This has nothing to do with you so back off, leave me alone." He jerked his arm free and walked back to the car where his partner had been watching.

"Bro, what was that?"

Ryan threw his hands up in the air, "God just leave me alone, all of you. Focus on the damn case." The ride back to the precinct was tense and quiet, Kevin trying to keep himself in check and Esposito trying to honor his friends wishes. When they arrived Ryan instantly jumped out of the car and made his way upstairs to his desk where he began making phone calls to check alibis. After a few hours he looked at the clock and sighed, it was time to pick up his son from school. He slipped on his jacket and walked over to Beckett, "I have to go pick up Dev, if you need anything call me."

She frowned, "I thought Alexis picked him up usually?"

He looked at her in surprise, Castle hadn't told her. Even though they weren't together, as far as he knew, he still thought they shared most things. "We're taking a break. For the time being I need to take care of Dev."

"I'm sorry Ryan, if there's anything I can do to help let me know."

For the first time today Ryan smiled, everyone wanted to talk about everything except Kate. She was allowing him space and he doubted she had any idea how much he appreciated that fact. "Thanks Beckett. I called on everyone we spoke to and all their alibi's checked out as far as I can tell for the time being. Bye."

As soon as he left Castle and Esposito appeared. "This isn't good guys," the lead detective said to the other two.

Esposito agreed, "No it isn't."

Castle frowned, "What are you two talking about? Ryan seemed short today but that's normal after a break up or whatever they're going through."

Esposito shook his head, "Ryan doesn't work like other people, he doesn't just get upset and move on. When he's truly upset he keeps everything inside until he goes into a downward spiral and has a total break down. If we don't pull him out of this fast it's going to get bad."

"Do we know what happened?" Beckett asked as she looked at Castle. "I mean you're Alexis's dad, did she say anything?"

He shook his head, "A lot of crying, said it was a mistake and a misunderstanding and she's not sure how to make it better." A slow breath escaped him, "I tried to warn her but she didn't listen."

"Warn her about what?" Beckett questioned.

"About Ryan, that she was getting in too deep. He's older, a widower, and has a five year old son. It's too much for someone Alexis' age to handle. Ryan needs more than Alexis can give."

Esposito squared his chest defensively, "You make him sound like someone to just give up on, like he's got all these problems. Ry's just fine."

Beckett placed a hand on his shoulder, "Castle didn't mean it like that, he cares about Ryan just as much as we do." She looked at Ryan's desk before looking back at the pair of them. "All we can do is be there for Ryan, we can't push him too much right now."

Esposito shook his head, "You two can do that but I'll be damned if I'm going to watch Kevin crash and burn. I already did it once and I don't think he can handle it again."

As the days began to slide by it became obvious to everyone that Ryan was falling apart at the seams trying to balance work and being a good father, all while trying to get over the only woman he's ever loved aside from Jenny. His usually impeccable clothes now had wrinkles, his always bright eyes look more dull everyday, and to top it off he wasn't answering his phone half the time making him unreliable.

It was a Friday when it came to a head. Devlin had wanted to spend the weekend with a friend so Ryan didn't have to pick him up this evening which alleviated some stress but also caused some at the fact he would be home alone with just his thoughts. After a couple hours driving around with no leads Esposito and Ryan arrived back to the precinct more than a little pissed off.

Ryan slammed the door shut as he exited and tried to walk inside only to have his way blocked by Esposito. "Look bro, whatever's got you in a twist just get it out because I ain't doing this forever."

"I'm fine, just leave me alone," he said as he tried to move around him.

Esposito sidestepped to block him, "You know the more you don't talk the more I think you're to blame for your breakup. What's the big secret, why won't you talk about anything? What did you do to mess it all up?"

"I didn't mess up anything! Now back off!" he tried to shove past his partner but Esposito shoved him backwards, he retaliated with a harder shove and before anyone knew what happened Esposito had punched Ryan in the face so hard it had knocked him into the side of the car.

Ryan slid down the side until he was sitting on the concrete with his head down.

"Bro, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. You ok?" Esposito asked frantically as he dropped down. He wasn't much taller than his partner but he was definitely stronger and his years in the military had made his retaliations brutal. When he didn't get a response he carefully grabbed Ryan's face to inspect the damage and heaved a sigh when he saw the tears in his best friends eyes. The dam had finally broken.

"No Javi, I'm not ok. Nothing is remotely ok at this point," he cried as he lost the battle with himself and his emotions.

Javier dropped down next to him and leaned back against the cruiser offering silent support. He glared at any officers walking by who looked at the two in confusion and waited for Ryan to finally tell him what happened.

"I came home last week and Lex was with Ashley, her ex-boyfriend, in the hallway looking a lot more than just friendly. I just feel so stupid Javi, in my mind this was actually going to work. Now Dev doesn't have a sitter and I'm right back where I started, alone and overwhelmed." A hand landed on his shoulder and squeezed and he offered a weak smile at Esposito.

"That's harsh bro. I know Alexis loves you so I don't understand why she would do this. Have you talked to her about it at all?" he asked quietly.

He shook his head, "I just don't want to hear it. I'm too old for this shit Javi, I can only deal with so much and I'm about maxed out." A heavy pause filled the air until he whispered, "I've been thinking of quitting."

"What?" Esposito barked. "No way in hell, you're my _partner_."

Ryan groaned and brought his knees to his chest in a surprisingly child like manner, "I don't want to let you down but I don't know how to do this with Dev. He needs stability and I can't give it to him working God knows what hours. I was supposed to have somebody to help me with all this, a partner. I don't know how to do it alone."

Javier shook his head, "You're not quitting so get that thought out of your head. Now we're either going to fix this or move on any way we can. I'm your partner bro, not just at work. We'll get through this but for right now you need to call Alexis."

"No."

He pursed his lips, "Get your butt off the floor and call her. Listen to what she has to say and if you don't get back together we'll figure something out for Dev all right? You can't keep going in this limbo stage, it's messing you up Ry." He stood and held out a hand waiting for Kevin to grasp it.

Ryan grabbed his hand and pulled himself up before dusting off his pants and pulling out his phone. He looked at his partner with trepidation and walked out away from the car and around a corner before dialing.

When she picked up it took everything he had to not hang up. "It's Kevin, can we talk?"

There was silence on the line until a sniffle could be heard, "I'm so glad you called, I've missed you and Dev so much. I'm sorry for what happened."

He cleared his throat and rubbed his now throbbing eye gently, "What did happen Alexis? Walk me through this."

"Ashley texted me and said he wanted to talk in person and I figured the only way to get him to just leave me alone was let him say his piece and be done. He's been calling and texting me for a couple weeks even though I told him I'm with someone, that I'm living with you. I told him to meet me at your apartment because Dev was tired and I didn't want to drag him out somewhere. So Ashley showed up and I stepped out in the hallway so Dev wouldn't hear our conversation. He talked about how much he missed me and wanted us to be together but I kept telling him no."

The line went silent until Ryan asked, "Then what?"

It was difficult to understand her through her tears but he made out most of it. "He kissed me out of nowhere and I don't know why but I kissed him back. It was just a reaction and only lasted a second before I pushed him away. I love one person Kevin and it's you. I'm sorry, please don't do this to us. Can we please try again?"

He leaned back on the bench he was sitting on and looked around at the all the people milling about. "Maybe this was a sign that we're not on the same page. You're young Alexis, don't you want to go have fun and do your own thing instead of taking care of a child and being tied to someone?"

"No I don't. I have fun with you and Dev, you're my thing. I love you Kevin, if you let me I'll be with you forever."

Several minutes passed in silence, only soft breathing and noises from cars filling the line. Alexis had just about lost hope when he whispered, "I love you too."

"Can I see you tonight?"

He swallowed thickly, "Yeah. Dev is staying at a friend's house this weekend so we'll go out. I'll meet you at seven at that place on 54th."

"Ok I'll be there. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'll see you then."

He hung up and while he felt like a weight had been lifted he also felt fearful of what would happen. What if they got back together and this happened again? Glancing at his watch he knew he needed to get back to work, crime didn't take a break while he dealt with relationship issues.

When he wandered into homicide Esposito lifted his eyebrows in a silent question. He dropped down at his desk and looked at him, "We're going out tonight, see how it goes."

"That good!" He grimaced, "Except for the black eye I gave you."

Ryan snorted and smiled, "Yeah, thanks for that. Way to hit a guy when he's down." He glanced at Beckett and Castle who were in the break room before looking back at his partner, "Could you not mention this to them, I really don't want anyone to know until we talk tonight."

"Yeah, of course."

Beckett came out of the break room shaking her head and whatever Castle was saying but stopped at Ryan's desk, "What happened to your face? Did one of the suspects attack you?"

He looked up, "Uh, no."

"Then who hit you?"

Ryan gently prodded his eye, "Not important. So all our leads didn't pan out, what about yours and Castle's?"

Later in the day Ryan leaned against the edge of a building deep in thought as he waited for Alexis. His line of sight caught a flash of red hair and he pushed himself off the wall and stood up straight as Alexis approached with a nervous expression. She stopped a respectable distance away and they both offered weak smiles. Ryan could almost taste the awkward.

"What happened to your eye?" she asked quietly.

He didn't answer.

Not knowing what to say or how to act they both waited for the other to say or do something. Finally Alexis asked, "Are you hungry? Do you want to get something to eat?"

He shook his head, "Not really, unless you do."

"No, I'm fine."

The silence descended upon them again until Ryan jerked his head towards the park, "Come on." They walked quietly through the park, the chill of the winter air biting at any skin that wasn't covered. Ryan stuck his hands in the pockets of his knee length coat and saw Alexis tighten the belt on her purple jacket. The walk was silent until Alexis tried to turn down a pathway and Ryan's hand shot out to redirect her.

Seeing her startled look he peered over her shoulder, "Don't ever go to the west side of the park, bunch of junkies down there."

Feeling some tension draining as they continued talking about neutral topics he lifted his hand out of his pocket and grasped Alexis's freezing one. "It got cold today," he whispered as a few snowflakes began to descend from the heavens.

"Yes it did." She shivered once and he lifted his arm around her and held her closer as he rubbed his hand up and down her arm. A slight frown appeared as she looked up at him, "Please tell me what happened to your eye."

He sighed, "Javi and I got into an argument and he clocked me." At her concerned expression he offered a comforting smile, "We're fine, not the first time one of us has hit the other."

"You two usually work well together."

"We didn't always. It was rough at first. We thought we'd get along great but once we were actually partnered up it got bad."

"I find that hard to believe."

"We're just different and stubborn. Instead of playing on our own strengths to cover each others weaknesses we focused on each others shortcomings. Mr. Badass said I was too green and didn't know how to handle myself in confrontations and I thought he was just a bulked up idiot than ran into everything head first. It took a pretty close call for us to realize that we had to watch each other's backs because no one else was." He began to laugh and shook his head in amusement. "Feels like forever ago."

He glanced around and saw they were completely alone so he stopped walking and pulled her around to face him, absently brushing snow out of her hair. "I can't lose you Lex, can we just act like this never happened?"

She cupped his face and rubbed her thumbs across the stubble on his jaw, "I'd like that and from now on let's work on our communication because we apparently suck at it." With a small amount of hesitation she kissed him softly, a pleased noise sounding from her when he leaned into it. "Can you promise me that next time you're upset about something we'll talk about it before you storm off?"

He smiled sheepishly, "I can't promise but I'll try really hard to."

"That works," she said with a smile before a shiver raced down her spine. "I'm freezing."

"Me too," he agreed before kissing her one more time. "Come on, let's go home."

Her phone began to ring and Alexis pulled it out and huffed in annoyance at the display, "He's still trying to call me." Ryan snatched the phone from her hands and answered it.

"I know who you are. I know what you want. If you are looking for patience, I can tell you I don't have any. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you never speak to Alexis again, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will end you."

Alexis smothered her giggles with her hand as Ryan tried not to laugh.

"A part of you thinks I'm joking, a part of you think's I'm serious. I suggest you don't try to find out which is true. Do you understand?"

The line was silent for a moment until an unsure voice finally spoke. "You wouldn't hurt me, you're a cop."

"Accidents happen everyday Ashley. Terrible, unavoidable accidents," he said in a low tone, all traces of humor gone. A second later he handed his girlfriend back her phone with a smirk. "He hung up."

"Because you went all _Taken_ on him which I must say was the funniest thing I've heard in a while." She leaned further into his side as they began to make their way out of the park, content smiles on their lips.


	5. Sweet Pea

**Title: Sweet Pea**

******Summary:**** Alexis gives Ryan some very good news. Takes place six weeks before they get married.**

**Genre: Romance**

**Characters: Ryan, Alexis**

* * *

Alexis and Ryan sat next to each other on the bed, Ryan watching television and Alexis flipping through a magazine. It had been a long day for both, work and just life in general seeming overly difficult today. They had been together almost two and half years now and being so in tune both knew when the other wanted to discuss their day and when they didn't. It was obvious today warranted more of a quiet night, Alexis knowing Kevin didn't want to recount their current case which involved a child and Ryan knowing Alexis didn't want to talk about anything wedding related after burying herself in it recently.

"Hey Mr. Trivia did you know that most Caucasian babies are born with blue eyes?"

He nodded distractedly as he watched a show about tornadoes on The Weather Channel. "Yeah it's due to the amount of melanin present in a baby's iris. When irises have large amounts of melanin they're usually black or brown, while less melanin produces gray, green, or light brown eyes. Very little amounts of melanin produce blue or light gray eyes."

She shook her head in disbelief and looked back at her magazine, "How do you even know these things? Ok how about this, babies don't have kneecaps they have cartilage that resembles a kneecap."

"Kneecaps develop in children between two and six years old," he replied effortlessly as he continued to click through the channels trying to find something to hold his attention.

"There must be something you don't know," she said quietly as she closed her magazine and set it on the nightstand. "Here's one I bet you didn't know, the size of our baby is a quarter of an inch or the size of a…"

"Sweet pea," he finished as he switched to the ten o'clock news. The room was silent for a few seconds until he fumbled the remote and snapped his head around so fast she was sure he had whiplash. "Wait, what did you say?"

A large grin covered her face as she took in his hopeful yet cautious features, from his wide eyes to his slightly parted lips where rapid breaths were escaping. "I said, our baby is a quarter of an inch long."

The largest smile she had seen on his face, one that even eclipsed the one she got when she accepted his proposal, split across his lips. He scooted closer, "Seriously? You're..." he trailed off thinking about what he knew about pregnancy timelines. "Six weeks?"

At her nod he climbed on top of her and settled on her thighs, his hands spreading across her flat stomach as he looked at it in awe. "We're having a baby," he whispered before repeating it again and looking at her with a grin. "Ha! Lex we're having a baby!"

Alexis wiped away her tears of happiness and pulled him down for a kiss.

"How long have you known?" he asked excitedly as he rolled them over and switched their positions, his hands still caressing her stomach.

"A little over a week, I've been trying to think of how to tell you."

His cheeks were starting to ache from his smile but he just couldn't stop. "How'd this happen? I thought you wanted to wait until we were married for a bit."

She climbed off of him and snuggled into his side, her fingers gliding over his smooth skin. "I know how bad you've been wanting this and how patient you've been for the last two years. I thought it couldn't hurt to stop trying to prevent it from happening and just see what happened, lo and behold two months later…"

"God Lex, I just can't even believe it. Dev's going to have a little brother or sister." The room descended into silence while Ryan pictured a baby girl with green eyes or boy with bright red hair. "You're going to be a mommy."

She propped herself up to see his face better and rested her chin on her hands, "I already am a mommy to Dev."

"And you're a great mommy," he said with a kiss to her forehead. "You know what I mean though, it'll be different. A part of you."

"I'm scared," she admitted quietly.

Shaken out of his pleasant thoughts he frowned, "About what?"

Alexis gave a small shrug, "All of it. Being pregnant, birth, taking care of a newborn."

His hand lifted and his fingers began to rub slow circles on her back while he tried to quell her nerves. "My oldest sister Leah was pregnant my senior year of high school. She loved it. Everyone waited on her hand and foot, gave up their seats wherever she went. Ava bought her a crown to wear at the house since she was treated like royalty and she actually wore the damn thing. Other than a little bit of nausea and feeling tired she said it was the greatest experience of her life."

A small smile reappeared on her lips, "Well at least I can look forward to that. Birth sounds just horrible though."

"I'm going to try to tread carefully right now because I only have an outsiders views but Jenny said it was worse than she imagined." Seeing Alexis pale he rushed on, "But that night she said it was worth it, that she wouldn't change any of it for anything."

Feeling thankful that Kevin had witnessed someone surviving it she pressed for more. "In the movies they make it seem traumatic."

He couldn't help but laugh, "Yeah it's not like that, no screaming or anything. Look, don't worry about it until we have to ok? It's kind of inevitable so let's just enjoy the now and worry about the later, later. What else are you worried about?"

"Being a mom," she whispered vulnerably.

He grabbed her face and made sure their eyes met, that their focuses were only on each other. "You are and will be a wonderful mother. You're patient and have more love to give than you realize. You pay attention to the little things and that's what makes up kids, all the little things. Babies cry and scream and make you want to rip your hair out of your head but when they smile for the first time or grab you finger when they fall asleep it's just… indescribable."

She wiped away a tear that slid down his face as he continued, all his memories of Dev fresh in his mind. "The first time they fall asleep on you, the first time they discover their tongue and it's always sticking out. The first time our baby will say mama and the first step as they look at you with just as much excitement as you look at them with. Wait until this baby is born Lex, your entire life will change in ways you never thought possible. Everything will just fade away when you look at them, everything that seemed so important before will be so insignificant and this little chubby person will become your entire world in the blink of an eye."

"What if it doesn't happen like that? What if I don't bond with our baby, that happens to some women."

He shook his head at her numerous concerns, "You will love that child no matter what and yeah it might take a little bit to bond but it will be temporary. Jenny cried when she had Dev, loved him instantly but it took a good three or four weeks for her to truly bond and that's fine. It doesn't mean you love them less. Nothing about babies is set in stone, it all just happens when it's meant to happen."

It was quiet after that and Ryan assumed she had fallen asleep until she climbed completely on top of him and rubbed her hands through his hair. "Thank you, I'm feeling pretty excited now. I don't want to wait thirty four more weeks, I want to meet our baby now."

One hand rested on the back of her neck and the other found it's way to her hip as he pulled her closer for a long kiss, one that left them panting for more. "I'm excited too but there's a few other things I'd like to do before we meet the newest Ryan."

"Like eat a slice of pizza with extra pepperoni? Oh, and pineapple! And garlic bread. God doesn't that sound good right now?" she asked excitedly. "And ice cream for dessert."

He chuckled, "And so it begins. Have you told anyone?"

She shook her head, "I want to wait a little bit. I want this to just be ours for a while."

"Sounds good to me, the longer Castle doesn't know the longer I get to live."


	6. Fallout

**Title: Fallout**

******Summary:**** After Ryan proposes Alexis tries to mend the broken bridges between Ryan and his family with disastrous results. This might seem OOC but we all have moments and reactions that we're not proud of, even Ryan.**

**Genre: Drama**

**Characters: Ryan, Alexis**

* * *

"You what?"

Alexis jerked back at the angry hiss, the tone so harsh and unfamiliar that she felt a prick of fear race down her spine. "I called your parents. I just thought since we're getting married that it would be nice for them to be there."

"Why would you go behind my back to call people who I don't want to talk to? Don't you think if I wanted to bury the hatchet I would have?" Ryan ranted. "I mean God Alexis, what were you thinking?"

She had expected anger but this was something else entirely. Not wanting to back down because she knew she did the right thing she crossed her arms and tried to match his anger. "I was thinking that you needed to move on. You messed up Kevin, they'll forgive you. They're your parents, they love you no matter what."

He pointed angrily at her, "I'll move on when I think I need to. You had no right to do this." After shaking his head and pacing around a moment he whipped around, "Please tell me you didn't call Ava."

Her expression answered his question and he threw his hands up angrily. "That's all I need is my psychotic sister trying to contact me. Everything you do has consequences Alexis, why would I want this stress right before the wedding?"

She watched him pace back and forth in the bedroom and stood her ground. "It's only stressful if you make it stressful, which is what you're doing right now. You're overreacting."

Furious blue eyes snapped to her, "Overreacting? I was a cokehead Alexis! The things I said and did were beyond horrible and now you want me to just get over it? That's insulting to them and to me."

A small sound from the bedroom door made them both stare at a wide eyed Devlin who had tears swimming in his blue eyes and was clutching his blanket tightly to his chest. Ryan groaned while Alexis ran over and hugged him, "Why are you up, I thought you were asleep?"

Devlin looked at his dad and sniffled, "Don't yell at mommy dad. Why are you yelling?"

Ryan tried to project some calm but he just couldn't muster it right now. With a tight forced smile for his son he looked at his fiancée, "I think I'm going to step out for a bit. I love you both." Not wasting any time he grabbed his keys and stormed out into the hallway. As soon as he reached his car he let out a frustrated scream and wondered where in the hell he was going to go. After driving aimlessly he found himself knocking on a familiar door.

It swung open to reveal Lanie who took one look at him and opened the door more with a shout of, "Javi."

Ryan entered and crossed his arms angrily, his foot tapping rapidly on the hardwood. Esposito entered the entry way and frowned at how furious his partner seemed, "Hey Ry, what happened?"

The smaller man's eyes darted to Lanie before returning to trying to stare a hole in the floor. The medical examiner took the hint and with a kiss to her boyfriend's lips she gently patted Ryan's shoulder and left the apartment.

"Alexis and I had a fight."

Figuring if he was this angry he would be here all night he led him to the couch and grabbed a few beers from the fridge. Ever since Lanie and he had become serious Ryan always asked before coming over, Monday nights excluded since they were a given. When he just showed up, which was rare, it meant he truly needed a friend and Lanie was gracious enough to acknowledge this and not make a fuss when it happened. "About?"

He jumped up and began to pace around the couch and in and out of the bedroom and kitchen, Javier letting him wander until he figured out what he wanted to say. "She called my parents and one of my sisters without me knowing. Who does she think she is Javi? Where does she get off interfering with my life?"

He knew Ryan just needed to vent but he needed to fix his obviously confused thoughts. "You asked her to marry you bro, she _is _your life. She has every right to get involved and yeah she should have told you but what's the big deal here? Don't you want to talk to them again?"

"No!" he shouted before offering a more subdued, "Maybe. I don't know." He finally fell onto the couch and in a moment of vulnerability sat so closely to his partner that their arms brushed slightly. "I just feel betrayed, she's supposed to make things better not worse. I never told her what was said the last time I talked to them."

Esposito took a long pull from his beer before speaking. "I don't know the whole story, just like I know Alexis doesn't but I know you Ry and you need to walk through the door Alexis opened for you."

He jumped up again, "You're taking her side! You're _my_ partner."

Getting fed up with Ryan's outlandish behavior he slammed his beer down on the table and stood to meet him eye to eye. "I'm not taking sides Ryan and of course I'm your partner. I love you bro and that's why I tell you what you don't always want to hear but what you need to hear. Alexis should have asked you first but she didn't and you should be thankful that she took the first step because your chicken ass sure wasn't."

Both men stood glaring at each other until Ryan mumbled, "I'm going to bed."

Fighting an eye roll he just turned and headed for his room knowing Ryan would make his own bed on the couch and they would talk again in the morning.

When morning arrived Javier entered the living room and frowned at the sight of the empty couch. Ryan never left without telling him. He looked around but he was just gone, no sign that he had ever even been there. His phone began to ring and without looking at the caller i.d. he pressed the green answer button. "Esposito."

"It's Alexis, have you seen Kevin? He left last night and never came back home and I'm getting nervous."

He pursed his lips and shook his head, "He came over last night but left at some point 'cause he ain't here. If I find him I'll call you."

"Thank you."

When Esposito arrived at the precinct he let out a curse at the sight of Ryan's car and stormed inside looking for him. He found him in the gym beating on a punching bag with only taped hands and no gloves. "What the hell bro, you're worrying Alexis."

Ryan ignored him and kept beating at the bag until Esposito grabbed him and spun him around only to narrowly dodge a right hook. Figuring this was what he needed he sparred with him and waited for him to tire out which fortunately only took a few minutes, he must have been here a while. Having nothing left to give Ryan finally just fell to the mat and lay on his back sucking in gulps of air. "I was too angry to go home Javi," he panted.

Knowing they probably looked ridiculous but just not caring he plopped down next to him, "You have to get over this bro. Talk to your mom and dad and move on. I know you carry that with you everyday, it's a heavy load to bear."

He sat up and crossed his legs, staring at his now bruised hands. "What do I even say to them? It's been ten years." He began undoing the tape and shook his head, "Last thing I said to my dad was 'I hate you' and now Alexis has me feeling like I need to fix that. How the hell do I make this right after cussing out Ava and telling my mom she was a bitch? She should have left well-enough alone."

"Don't you want to fix it? That wasn't you talking Ry and they all know that."

"I don't know how to fix it and now I have that to worry about." He suddenly stood, "Why are we even talking about this? I don't want to talk about it." Not sparing a second glance he stormed out and after a quick shower he simmered at his desk.

Castle was the next unfortunate soul to suffer Ryan's wrath. The writer entered happily enough and walked over to his young friends desk and sat down. "Alexis wanted me to tell you to please call her. She's worried about you." They had come a long ways in the last two years, Castle accepting that Ryan and Alexis had their own problems that they needed to work out on their own. He of course was still curious about their arguments but he respectfully didn't ask questions. Most of the time. "Do you want to talk about it? I do have a wide array of knowledge."

Ryan fixed his icy stare at him, "No I don't want to talk about it. With anyone."

"It might do you some good."

Castle was saved by Ryan's ringing cell. He grabbed it and disappeared into the break room, thankful for the distraction. "Ryan."

"I've been worried about you all night and then you just answer your phone like nothing's wrong? Dev had to sleep with me because he was so upset. It's not just you Kevin, you can't just throw temper tantrums."

He wilted a little at the fact he had her worried and had upset his son. "I'm sorry for worrying you guys I just can't get over this. This wasn't something that had anything to do with you. You opened up a can of worms that I wasn't ready to open."

A frustrated noise sounded through the line. "If we're going to get married you have to learn that everything you do is relevant to me too. There is no me or you anymore, it's just us."

"Maybe I don't want there to be an us." The words were out before he could stop them and there was no turning back.

The line was silent for several beats until Alexis spoke in a deadly tone. "I'm going to act like you didn't just say that because I know you're upset. Now I suggest you get your head out of your ass, otherwise don't come home. I love you Kevin but I don't like you right now."

Ryan pulled his phone away from his ear and just stood there before returning to his desk.

Later in the day Castle and Beckett stood in the break room spying on Ryan under the guise of making coffee. "I don't know Kate, I overheard Ryan and he didn't sound like he even wanted to get married anymore."

She shook her head, "Don't listen to him, he's just dealing with something deeply private and emotional and having a hard time figuring out how to express himself. Instead of shutting down he's lashing out. Have you talked to Alexis?"

Castle nodded, "She's handling this remarkably well. She knows Ryan's just upset but it's of course still bothering her. Do you think you could talk to her?"

"I was going to anyway. Do you know why he doesn't talk to his family?"

The writer shook his head, "No idea but the more I hear the more I think it's because of something Ryan did."

The week passed slowly for everyone, Ryan spending most nights on his partner's couch and only conversing with Alexis over the phone and in passing. Devlin could of course feel the tension between them when they were all home together and one day after school tearfully begged his father to fix whatever was wrong. Ryan had promised to right the wrong and apologized profusely for upsetting everyone. He wanted to explain to Devlin why he had been angry but he was still too young to understand that his father hadn't always been a mild tempered model citizen and had said and done terrible things that directly affected the people he cared about. Much like right now. Anger was easier than embarrassment, throwing a temper tantrum was simpler than talking about something you kept buried for years.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly that night to his fiancée after Devlin had gone to bed. "For everything."

Alexis simply nodded, "Are you staying here tonight or going to Esposito's?"

He hated how much he had screwed this up. "Here, if it's alright with you."

The two climbed into the bed and laid next to each other in the dark until Ryan tried to explain to the best of his ability what happened. "I just felt so betrayed by you but I finally realized that you didn't do it to hurt me. I didn't even know how to react so I just panicked. I love you Lex."

"I love you too but it's still not ok."

He tentatively grabbed her hand, "I know that and I'll make it up to you. I said terrible unforgivable things to everyone the last time I saw them, I have no idea how to move on."

"That's the part you don't understand Kevin. No matter what you could ever say or do they'll love you and you're lucky that it's the same with me."

"What did you guys talk about?"

She scooted a little closer to him and rolled onto her side to face him better. "Not much really. After the extremely awkward task of explaining who I was I just told them basic things about you and I. I didn't mention Devlin or anything too private, I mostly just told them you're a homicide detective and getting married."

"How'd they sound?" he asked in a small voice.

"Surprised, elated, confused. They're both healthy and so are all your sisters. Ava was mostly quite when I talked to her. They all want to see you and talk to you but I told them I wasn't sure when you would call them."

The minutes ticked by, Ryan trying to work through everything and Alexis having nothing more to say, and eventually both fell asleep. When Alexis woke she saw she was alone but the bed was still warm indicating he had only recently gotten up. With quiet movements she slipped on a shirt and padded to the doorway but halted and smiled softly at her soon to be husbands voice floated from the kitchen.

"Hi ma…It's Kevin…"


	7. Blush Wine and Blushes

**Title: Blush Wine and Blushes**

******Summary:**** Alexis and Ryan have a slightly awkward conversation over wine. Takes place a few days before Ryan gets his stitches out.  
**

**Genre: Humor/Romance**

**Characters: Ryan, Alexis**

* * *

It was the type on conversation that only happened when you've had one too many glasses of wine, when your defenses were almost gone and you felt you could speak about anything and everything. Both were lounging on the couch underneath a blanket while rain spattered against the windows on this stormy Tuesday afternoon. "Sixteen, really?" Alexis asked. "I figured later since the whole Catholic school thing."

Ryan shook his head, "I don't care how mean nuns are they are no match for horny teenage boys. Her name was Alicia, I was sixteen she was seventeen. We were at her parents house and it was…"

"Amazing?"

"Horrible," he laughed. "Neither one of us knew what the hell we were doing, didn't use protection. It was so awkward and when I started laughing afterwards she slapped me and cried. I wanted to feel bad and I kind of did but the situation was just so funny. There's me thinking that for an absolute failure it went pretty damn well and she's in the bathroom screaming about how much she hates me."

Alexis giggled and accepted a refill of her glass from Kevin who also topped off his. "Who instigated it?"

"Her, she liked my motorcycle. It was nice to be cool for a while and not a dork like always. Chicks dig motorcycles." She shook her head and nudged his leg with her foot at his cocky expression.

The room fell silent and Ryan kept his gaze on Alexis the entire time, his eyebrows rising expectantly. "Well…"

She frowned, "Well what?"

"Oh my God you're killing me. I shared now you have to," he said in exasperation.

Alexis bit the inside of her cheek and glanced around the room uncomfortably. "Tell me about Dominic."

He arched a single brow, "Nice deflection. I met Dom on my twenty-first birthday. I'd never even thought about being with a guy but he was different. We had our fun but I'm straight so it didn't last that long."

She held up her finger and waved it back and forth, "No, no, no. That answer was way too safe for how much wine we've had. Come on, give me something juicy."

Ryan laughed at her boldness and pointed to her glass, "You have had way too much."

"As have you so share!"

A wicked grin covered his face, "Dom was hot as hell. Tall with olive skin and light green eyes, a few years older than me. Like I said I had never even thought of being with a guy but Dom could change anybody's mind about any thing. The two weeks we were together, wow. I wouldn't change it for the world but I'm pretty damn straight and my time with him just confirmed that. No sense living a lie so when the shine wore off we ended it. Not going to lie and say I didn't think about him for a few months after that though."

Alexis envied how easily he could talk about sex and past relationships and wondered if it was because of the wine or just because he was that secure with himself. Or maybe it was just because he was a guy and guys never seemed to mind talking about sex. Probably a little bit of all three.

"Earth to Alexis."

She jumped a little, "Yes?"

"Don't be coy, tell me."

Alexis shrugged a little and mumbled something under her breath before tying to get off the couch only to roll onto the floor which caused Ryan to burst out laughing and Alexis to join him a second later. "There's nothing to tell."

"Why not…" he started before his eyebrows shot to his hairline. "No way. No way in hell. Are you a virgin?"

"What? No I…" she started as she sat up and tried to get her tongue to untie. "I've had… sex before."

Ryan was looking beyond smug at her flustered appearance and bright blush. "You sure about that?"

"Yes!" she argued. "My first time was when I was eighteen."

"With…" he began and laughed when she just stood and made her way to the kitchen. He jumped up and ran after her still giggling, "Lex come on tell me. Why don't you want to talk about it?"

She crossed her arms and tried to ignore the heat radiating off her cheeks, "It was just so embarrassing. It was prom which is a cliché in itself and it was so uncomfortable and quick." It was silent for a few seconds and she looked up at Ryan who snorted in laughter before descending into hysterical giggles.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. How quick?"

"Like literally a minute."

Tears slid down Ryan's cheeks as he continued to laugh, "You're killing me. Who was it? Was he a virgin?"

She began to laugh too, "Ashley and yes he was." Both stood there laughing until Ryan finally got himself under control.

"That's enough wine for me, wow. So how many people have you been with? What's your number?" It was a dangerous question but Ryan had faith the answer wouldn't bother him; if she couldn't even talk about sex she most likely wasn't having much. Her cheeks were still as bright as he hair.

"Two," she answered as her blush somehow managed to deepen. "God this is so awkward to talk about."

Ryan smiled, pleased with the answer and pulled her into a loose embrace and kissed her firmly. He lifted her onto the edge of the counter and ground his hips into hers, hands sliding up her sides as Alexis gently tugged on his hair with a moan. It was getting harder and harder to not go all the way but because of his stitches they both needed to be more patient than they wanted.

"What's your number?"

The tables were turned and Ryan flushed at the question as he tried to pull away. Alexis wrapped her legs around him and shook her head, "Answer me."

"That's not fair. I'm older. And a guy."

She poked his side, "Number."

"Tell me about the other guy," he insisted as he tried to divert attention away from himself.

Alexis looked uncomfortable, "He was... different."

"Different how?" he wondered out loud knowing the answer was going to be good.

She groaned, "He was really emotional. He cried all the time and wanted me to cry too, to see the beauty in things that he did but I just couldn't. I honestly think he was on some sort of drug or estrogen or something."

Ryan chuckled, "You want to talk about different I went out with a girl named Lacramioara who was into the whole vampire thing. The weirdness was a turn on at first but I have a line and she crossed it, we broke up when she told me she wanted to sleep together in a coffin. Like a real coffin. Hot turned to heebie jeebies pretty quick."

Alexis laughed into his shoulder trying to picture straight and narrow Kevin with some goth woman who thought she was a vampire. "That's pretty good. Now stop changing the subject and give me your number. Please."

He mumbled his response and grimaced when she told him to repeat it louder. "Sixteen." To Alexis's credit she didn't look disgusted or bothered so he cautiously continued. "I didn't really have a lot of actual long-term relationships and when I was undercover in narcotics I met a lot of girls."

"So you've had a lot of experience," she said neutrally. He licked his lips and gingerly nodded and waited with baited breath to hear what her response would be. "Well then, when your stitches come out I expect you to blow my mind Kevin Ryan," she whispered breathlessly into his ear before sliding off the counter and walking out of the room.

Ryan could only stand there in shock and he quickly counted how many days until his stitches came out. Five days. He could handle this, hopefully. He was a patient man.

"Kevin! Come in here and rub my back, and bring more wine."

Ryan sighed and looked up to the heavens, "God help me."


	8. Not All Heroes Wear Capes

**Title: Not All Heroes Wear Capes**

******Summary: Devlin's sixth birthday teaches Ryan lessons in sacrifice and humility and shows him that he has more people watching his back than he realized. Takes place after Alexis has officially moved in with Ryan.****  
**

**Genre: Friendship**

**Characters: Ryan, Castle**

* * *

Ryan stood in the break room stirring his coffee and staring at the wall, his brow scrunched lightly in thought while his partner and Castle stared at him through the glass and open blinds.

Esposito glanced at Castle, "Dev turns six in a couple weeks."

The writer smiled, "Kid parties are the best. What's Ryan going to do for him?"

Javier let out a small sigh, "There in lies the problem. Ry's got no money for Dev's birthday. Meeting his deductable for his insurance and pretty much supporting Alexis is taking every cent. He's been thinking of selling his comic collection but I'm trying to talk him out of it, those are like his second child."

Castle felt his heart break at the situation Ryan was in and tried to think of anyway he could to help him. He had disposable income but he knew just on pride alone Ryan would never accept help, especially for something as important as his own son's birthday. "How can we help?"

The detective shook his head, "Can't, he won't even let _me_. He'd kill me if he even knew I told you. He's got money stashed for emergencies but he feels like its tempting fate to take any of it for something like this." With a small smile he rolled his eyes, "He's big on karma and is convinced that this is his punishment for screwing you over with the whole Alexis and him thing."

"Really?" Castle asked in surprise. "That's over and done with, I'm not holding any grudges against him. When it was over it was over."

The dark skinned man shook his head, "It's not you he's worried about, it's the universe. Ry's like Chicken Little waiting for the sky to fall and as of right now it's definitely started to crumble."

Deep sighs left both of them as they tried to think of anyway possible to make everything happen without upsetting Ryan in the process. Esposito wanted to lend him the money but he knew it would only serve to offend him so he refrained, Castle on the other hand knew he could give Devlin the present to end all presents but he knew from personal experience that it would hurt Ryan that someone else got his child a better gift than he could.

"There's got to be something," Castle said softly. "You're his best friend, he seriously won't take the money from you?"

His leg began to bounce, "When Ry and I got partnered up he borrowed five grand from me to get himself back on his feet after…" he trailed off. He had no idea if Castle knew Ryan had been a drug addict and he wasn't going to be the one to share if Ryan didn't want to. "After some issues he had but it took him forever to pay me back. When he paid me off he said he'd never borrow money again, he doesn't like to be in debt to people." After leaning back in the chair he glanced at Castle, "If we help him it needs to be as indirect as possible."

Ryan began to chew on his coffee stirrer as he tried to think of anyway to make quick money. He wasn't going to borrow from anywhere because interest alone would break him but he might be able to sell something to a pawnshop. His comics were worth quite a bit and he also had a nice watch that was only a few years old. Maybe if he did the cleanse Jenny made him do before they got married he could use his food money for a gift, but then what about a party?

He glanced through the glass and saw Esposito and Castle talking, he'd think about this later.

The following week Ryan sat down at his desk and turned to face his partner, "Got it all figured out for Dev. I bought his present last night and now I just have to figure out something he'll enjoy."

Esposito frowned heavily, "How'd you figure it out?" At Ryan's expression he groaned. "Tell me you didn't."

"They're just comics Javi, just paper. I'm too old for them anyway," he said with a small unsure smile. "Making Dev happy is my first priority plus kids growing like a weed, his pants look like he's waiting for a flood." Esposito wondered if he was trying to convince him or himself because based off his slightly nauseas appearance he wasn't feeling too sure about his decision.

"So what's Dev into right now? Or are you letting Alexis plan the party this year?"

He shook his head, "I'll do it, I always do. He's really into superheroes right now. I caught him dressed in black trying to jump off the bed a few days ago."

"Batman," he grinned. "Those were the days huh? Dress up with your underwear on the outside and save any universe you could make up."

Ryan laughed, "Yeah." He suddenly groaned and dropped his head into his hands, "It feels like it was yesterday, now I'm watching Dev do it. When did I get so old Javi?"

"Don't talk to me about old bro, you haven't aged since I met you. Every time you get carded when we go out I want to punch you in the face."

He swallowed down the rest of his coffee with a small smile and stood. "You want a refill?" At his partner's nod he grabbed his mug and walked into the break room.

Castle subtlety made his way over and dropped into the chair next to the older detective's desk, "Have we figured out a way to help him?"

He glanced at the break room before leaning forward and lowering his voice. "He sold his comic collection, bro looks like he's going to be sick. Ry's been collecting them since his dad gave him his first one when he was six, he was going to give one to Dev this year but he sold them all to afford clothes and his birthday."

The writer's respect for Ryan rose exponentially at his personal sacrifice for his son, yes it was just comic books but one man who collected things to another he knew just how attached you got to things over the years. "Was he a serious collector or just casual?"

Esposito made sure Ryan was still making himself coffee. "Both, he's got some that were worth quite a bit that he never touched but he likes to read most of them. Comics are for people to enjoy, not to sit in plastic is what he told me."

Both men sat back in their chairs as Ryan exited the break room and smiled, "Morning Castle."

"Hi," he said distractedly. "I have to go, tell Beckett I… left. Yeah. Bye." Without any explanation he walked to the elevator and slipped inside.

"What was that about?" Ryan asked his partner as he handed him his hot drink. "He sure left in a hurry."

"No idea bro, no idea."

Wednesday afternoon Ryan and Esposito stepped off the elevator and made their way over to Beckett's desk. She looked up expectantly and listened to Esposito go over all the information they had discovered, all the while fighting a smile when Ryan nodded and pointed excitedly in all the right places. They were definitely two sides of the same coin.

Once finished she jumped up and began to write everything down on the murder board, Castle also rising and walking over to the boys. He approached Ryan and Esposito and wrapped an arm over their shoulders, "I got my invitation for Dev's party. Dress up is required?"

Ryan laughed, "Yeah, Dev said if you're not a superhero or villain you can't have cake. It's the ultimate threat considering Lex is making a chocolate one."

"She makes the best cakes," Castle said seriously. "Well have no fear because I know exactly what you two could go as."

Esposito arched an eyebrow already anticipating the most likely off the wall suggestion. "And who would that be?"

Castle smiled widely, "The Ambiguously Gay Duo!"

Both detectives met each other's eyes before shrugging out of Castle's grip, Esposito pursing his lips and shaking his head as Ryan just walked away.

"Oh come on, it's perfect for you two!"

Six days later Alexis scooted closer to her boyfriend on the couch and sighed contently after relaxing into his side. Her arm wrapped around his waist and she listened to his steady heartbeat for a few minutes.

"I can't believe Dev's going to be six tomorrow," Ryan whispered. "Time's going by so fast. He was born then suddenly he was walking and talking then going to school and losing teeth. What happened to my baby boy?"

She smiled and lifted her head to kiss his jaw, "He's still your baby boy. You still read him bedtime stories and he still runs to you when something's wrong. You're the one that keeps the monsters out from under the bed and the one that makes him smile the biggest. No matter what he'll always be your baby boy."

He smiled softly thinking about everything she said. "Thanks. Do you need help with the cake or anything in the morning?"

"Nope. You and Dev just enjoy each other and I'll take care of everything. Who's coming?"

He hissed when she stuck her cold hands under his shirt and flashed her a soft glare. "Some warning next time would be nice. All of us from the twelfth, Bobby and Jake from school, that little foreign kid that has the name I can't pronounce, the girl he likes and Paige and Taylor might swing by."

She grinned, "Becca. He's so cute with his crush, he gave her his cookie last week."

"True love," Ryan agreed. "Nothing like a cookie to seal the deal. Too bad as they get older their taste gets more expensive."

She pinched him and stuck her tongue out, "Sorry but a cookie in a velvet box just isn't the same as a one carat diamond."

"It's nice to dream."

The next day everyone gathered for Devlin's sixth birthday party and Ryan couldn't help but laugh at the sight of everyone. Not only were there tiny superheroes and villains running around but also some full size ones. Alexis had dressed up as Rogue, Esposito as Zorro, Beckett as Silk Spectre II, Lanie as Cat Woman, Castle as Captain America, and himself as Clark Kent/Superman.

"Hey Clark," Alexis said with a grin from the kitchen doorway. "Come here." He rose and walked to the kitchen where Alexis grabbed him and kissed him soundly. "What was that for?"

"Because I love you. So have you noticed how my dad can't keep his eyes off Kate?" she asked quietly.

He nodded, "Kind of hard not to notice. He almost ran into the wall earlier." Both laughed softly until a tiny Optimus Prime entered the kitchen.

"Mr. Ryan, may I have something to drink?"

"Sure thing... buddy," he answered and handed him a glass of water. As soon as he left the kitchen he turned to face his girlfriend, "How the hell do you pronounce his name? Acki… Ekin…"

"Akinnuoye," she answered trying to fight a laugh.

"You are not funny and how do you even know that? I kept trying to ask his name when I met him and now he thinks I'm just old and can't remember. Better than looking like an idiot I guess."

"Or you could just look like both," she said before bursting out laughing at his shocked expression. She squealed when he grabbed her and began to tickle her mercilessly. When Devlin wandered in and saw what was happening he ran over and began to tickle his dad.

"Stop!" he gasped when Alexis and Devlin ganged up on him. "Traitor!" They finally stopped and Ryan picked up his son and squeezed him tightly. "You ready for presents Batman?" His son gave him a look and he grinned, "I know, stupid question. Come on."

Everyone watched Devlin open his gifts one at a time; his small hands carefully ripping the paper from different shaped boxes. Ryan felt pride at the fact his son would walk over and personally thank whomever gave him the present before opening another. Action figures, Lego's, Hot Wheels, books, and games were soon scattered across the room along with his new Nintendo DSi from his dad.

After everyone sang Happy Birthday and Alexis began to cut the cake Ryan sat down on a chair off to the side and stared down at his feet. Today had been nice, Devlin had gotten what he wanted and that was all that mattered yet it felt like there was a small storm cloud following him around. Seeing everyone dressed as comic book heroes and villains was a terrible reminder of what he had to sell to make today possible. He had been collecting them for almost twenty-five years_._ They had been with him longer than anything else, seen him through his best and worst days and now they were just gone. He had no idea if some collector had gotten them and just stuffed them in a box to never see the light of day or if a child had gotten one only to destroy it the first time he read it. The thoughts made him nauseas.

He lifted his gaze from the floor and watched his son play with Beckett with a small smile and observed Castle walking over with a gift that hadn't been with the others. A small crease appeared between his eyebrows as he watched Devlin take the offered present and carefully open it only to run away from the person that gave it to him. Devlin climbed up onto his dad's lap and hugged him tightly. "Thank you daddy, it's my favorite. Now I can be just like you!"

Ryan glanced at what was in his hand and felt his heart speed up at the sight of a familiar vintage Batman comic clutched in his small hand. His eyes snapped to Castle's when he approached. "You almost forgot to give Dev his present."

"Yeah," he said slowly as he kissed Dev's head and allowed him to slide off his lap and walk away. "Castle…"

The writer cut him off, "I was out the other day and stumbled upon a comic book store a few blocks from here. They had some pretty cool stuff so I went ahead and bought this entire collection. Come to realize I don't really know what to do with them. Could you do me a big favor and take them off my hands for me?"

Ryan glanced at his son and back at the taller man, "Castle, you…"

The writer dropped a hand on Ryan's shoulder and smiled patiently, "Ryan you've literally saved my life more than once and you're completely supporting my daughter. Please let me do this. You put up with me on an almost daily basis and have never complained, which in itself is amazing. All I ask in return is that you never try to sell them again because you and your son deserve to enjoy these for years to come. I know what it's like to sacrifice for a child but you can't lose who you are in the process. You have to make sure to hold on to what makes you you; the three piece suits, the comics, all of it because that's who Dev loves."

"I don't know how to thank you," he said quietly.

Castle shook his head, "Don't get all mushy on me Mr. _Eat, Pray, Love_. Come on let's get cake before Esposito eats it all."


	9. The Hamptons

**Title: The Hamptons**

******Summary: Ryan and Alexis take a trip to Castle's home in The Hamptons. Takes place about a month after the party at Castle's apartment.**

**Genre: Romance**

**Characters: Ryan, Alexis**

* * *

It was here, finally. After a month and a half of nonstop work at the precinct he was finally able to take his vacation with Alexis to The Hamptons. It was just the two of them for now, Castle bringing Devlin up halfway through the week and staying with them until all four returned to the city. Ryan and Alexis had discussed it and thought that spending time with Castle away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life would help everyone connect more and hopefully make Castle feel more at ease with the relationship he was trying his very hardest to fully accept.

Halfway there Ryan looked over at his passenger and frowned at her stormy expression. His right hand, which had been sitting on the shifter, slid over and grabbed hers. After lacing their fingers together she finally offered a weak smile.

"You ok?"

She didn't answer just returned her attention to the road making him uneasy. "If you don't want to go we can go back."

"No, I want to. It's just…" She trailed off and sighed heavily.

Whatever was bothering her was obviously upsetting her enough to warrant a conversation so he pulled over and gave her his undivided attention. "What's bothering you?"

She met his eyes and just stared silently, it almost appeared like she was looking for something and he tried to not squirm under her intense scrutiny. "I'm late."

He frowned in confusion before his eyebrows shot up to his hairline, "Huh?" Well that was an eloquent response he thought to himself. Shaking his head to try to get his brain working he finally responded with actual words. "So do you think you're…"

"I don't know," she said quietly. "I'm almost a week late but I can't bring myself to test. What if I am Kevin?"

Ryan sat back into his seat and stared out the windshield as he tried to come up with something to say that would make her feel better. In all honesty the possibility of another child thrilled him but Alexis looked nervous and scared. This was an outstanding example of how far apart they were in their ages and lives. Ryan was thirty and ready for another child but Alexis still needed to live a little. Keeping his face as neutral as he could he squeezed her hand and met her eyes, "Why don't we wait to worry about anything until we know for sure there's something to worry about. It might be nothing."

"If I was would you be happy? I know you said you'd like more kids but I know you have a hard time supporting Dev and me already and I know you have a lot you're working through emotionally."

He leaned over and kissed her, "Alexis I love you, nothing could ever make me unhappy if it has to do with you. Like I said we'll think about everything once we know for sure and don't worry about me. If I'm still going after everything that's happened I don't think much can stop me. Now let's just enjoy our drive and we'll talk there."

The drive was mostly quiet after that, Alexis fidgeting in the passenger seat and sighing every so often. This was not the vacation Ryan had been looking forward to so before they ever even made it to the house he stopped at a drug store.

"I'll go," she said quickly and jumped out of the car before he could even utter a word. Once inside she slowly walked down the isles trying to keep calm and eventually found pregnancy tests sitting on a shelf mocking her with their bright pink packaging. Her shaking hands grabbed one and with heavy steps she began to make her way to the register. This was all too real, too much for her to handle right now and doubts about her entire relationship began to creep into her conscious.

After paying she returned to the car and the heavy silence continued, Ryan having no idea what to say to make her feel more secure about the situation and Alexis just sitting in a terrified silence. This was different than with Dev, if she fell pregnant now she couldn't follow her dream of becoming a journalist for several years. It would change everything.

Arriving at Castle's home Ryan climbed out of the car and let out a low whistle at the huge house in front of him. He didn't have time to enjoy the view since Alexis was already through the front door. Not wasting any time he jogged inside and tried to figure out where she had gotten off to, he finally found her in the master bedroom on the second floor.

"Just… wait here," she said quickly as she closed the bathroom door.

Ryan fell onto he bed and stared at the ceiling dejectedly. Would it really be _that _bad if she was pregnant? It's not like it was the end of the world or anything. Even though he knew he shouldn't be a part of him was excited for the results. They could have a child nine months from now, a little girl or another boy. A perfect child that was a part of each of them.

The door swung open and Alexis steadily met his gaze.

"So?"

She finally smiled, "Negative. Just like you said nothing to worry about." It was so quick she almost missed it but for just a fraction of a second pure disappointment shone in his eyes. She had never taken into account his thoughts or feelings on the matter but it was too late to rectify that now.

"That's… good."

"Yeah," she said quietly suddenly feeling sad at the fact the test wasn't positive. No she didn't want to be pregnant right now but seeing Ryan wilt slightly at the news made her almost feel guilty. Visions of a little girl with bright blue eyes and long auburn hair hit her, she could almost picture a little angel in a white sundress running around happily.

Ryan noticed more than other people did and he knew he hadn't hid his disappointment as well as he had wanted to. Fighting against himself he smiled and looked outside, "Hang out on the beach?"

She walked over and wrapped her arms around him, "That sounds nice."

Hours later the two entered the house, skin burnt and covered in the ocean's salt. Small grains of sand were stuck to Alexis's butt and Ryan's entire back from where they relaxed on the beach and watched the light slowly dim until darkness surrounded them. Showering together was a given, it was something they did as often as they could. It allowed them time together amid hectic school and work schedules, under the warm spray no one could call and no small voice could interrupt them. After getting the sand and salt off of each other they had a quick dinner and relaxed on the couch, Alexis lying down on top of her boyfriend while they watched a movie. "Why can't life be like this everyday?" she asked as Ryan struggled to stay awake.

He yawned and pried his lids open, "It'd be boring after a while. Let's go to bed, we'll have a day just like this tomorrow."

Alexis woke alone and climbed out of the bed to go look for her boyfriend when she realized he wasn't in the room or adjoining bathroom. She thought about grabbing a shirt but it was just the two of them so dressed in only her pale blue underwear she wandered through the house looking for where Kevin might be. Music from her dad's grand piano met her ears when she reached the edge of the living room and she quietly moved towards the noise and paused at the doorway to the small music room facing the beach. He was seated on the bench with his back to her dressed in only his boxers playing a soft and beautiful song. She herself knew how to play as did her father but something about the way Kevin played was different, it sounded more real.

She didn't want him to stop but she had to be near him. Slowly she walked over and stood behind him, her arms softly resting on his shoulders. He never even flinched indicating he knew she had been there the entire time and leaned back slightly into her. They stayed like that for quite a while until he finally stopped playing and turned with a smile. "Good morning."

She smiled down at him when he hugged her around the waist and laid his cheek on her warm stomach. Her fingers ran through his hair and goose bumps appeared on her skin she he kissed her right above her navel. "Can I request a song?"

"Of course."

She slid onto the bench next to him, "You probably don't know it but it's The Ice Dance from Edward Scissorhands."

Ryan gave her an expression she couldn't quite decipher before he turned and began to play the song completely from memory. Something about the way he played made her feel uncomfortable; like she was witnessing something she had no right to. It felt too raw, too pure. When he finished he simply dropped his hands and kept his gaze on the keys. "I was eight when I saw that movie for the first time. I... didn't have a lot of friends growing up, didn't talk much. When I watched this movie I felt like there was someone else who understood what it was like to be on the outside looking in. I had a really bad stutter until I was eleven so it was hard for me to communicate with people. I was small and different than the other kids and people don't like different. That movie changed my life, taught me you can't change who you are. If someone truly loves you they won't love you in spite of your faults, they'll love you because of them."

When Alexis didn't respond he lifted his gaze and met her eyes, which were shining with unshed tears. "Just when I thought I couldn't love you anymore you go and say something like that," she said softly. She wrapped him in a tight hug, the two finding comfort in the warmth of the other, skin on skin contact grounding them both.

"One of my biggest fears is Devlin feeling like I did growing up. I don't want him to ever feel like he isn't good enough."

Alexis squeezed her lids closed to stop her tears from falling. It hurt so badly to hear him talk about feelings of inadequacy because she knew he still struggled with his self esteem. Now she knew why, he had grown up with a stutter and she knew how cruel kids could be. Years of verbal and physical abuse from bullies had worn him down. "I love you so much."

"I love you too. I didn't mean to put a damper on your morning."

She quickly shook her head, "You didn't. I want to know everything about you, good and bad. When did you learn to play the piano?"

"My mother started to teach me when I was five, she thought it would be a good way for me express myself. When I'd get upset my stutter would worsen so I'd go play. You hungry?"

Apparently he was done speaking about his childhood and Alexis nodded, "Come on, I'll make breakfast. Are you going to eat?"

"Why not," he answered before rising and following her into the kitchen. His eyes raked over her from behind taking in her bright hair that fell messily down her bare back and ended right above the soft curve of her butt. "You know you should walk around the apartment like this all the time."

She smirked and cast him a mischievous look over her shoulder, "I'll keep that in mind."

Breakfast took over three hours, but that also might have had a little to do with the fact that Ryan couldn't keep his hands to himself. She burned the french toast the first time when she got distracted because a powdered sugar fight had broken out and finally gave up on the second batch when Ryan kept grabbing her into kisses that made her forget about what she was even doing. The two had made love right there on the kitchen floor and even though it wasn't the most comfortable place the spontaneity they got to experience, something they never got to have at home with a five year old, made it worth it.

The following two days were like a dream, no stress or any problems. It was just the two of them and while both loved Dev more than life it was nice to not be _mommy and daddy_ but just Alexis and Kevin. They swam in the ocean, went out in the evening, swam in the pool and went for walks under the moonlight. It was perfect but the small nagging in the back of their heads that reminded them something was missing was getting worse and when the day came that Castle would bring Dev Ryan heaved a sigh of relief.

Castle entered the house in the early evening holding a sleeping Devlin snugly against him and began to look around for his daughter and Ryan. He found them on a couch in the den sitting almost in the dark, Alexis seated at one end lazily running her hands through Ryan's hair, the man lying down and fast asleep.

She smiled in greeting at her dad and they both grinned at the fact they each had a sleeping Ryan. After setting Devlin down on the other couch Castle walked over to the chair next to his daughter's seat. "How's the vacation going?"

"Great, we played in the ocean all morning. Kev's exhausted." Wondering how much she wanted to share she was silent for a moment before offering more. "This trip has been really good for us, it was nice to have privacy to talk about everything."

Castle nodded, "And I'm assuming everything you talked about turned out like you wanted?"

Alexis stared down at her boyfriend's lax face and remembered the disappointment in his eyes from their first day, "Most of it."

"So how is it living at Ryan's? I know it's only been a few weeks but is it what you wanted it to be?" he whispered.

She nodded, "That and more. It's nice to just wake up and be there with Devlin and Kevin. I know it seems like we're moving too quickly but I'm really happy dad. We talked about my degree and what I wanted to do with it."

"What did you decide?"

"I'm going to try to get on with any newspaper I can right now but I'd love to get on with the Times. I can just write from home and submit my stories and pieces through email. Kevin said I should go for whatever I want but I'm kind of happy just hanging out with Dev. I've always had this master plan and I'm enjoying just winging it right now."

Castle smiled, "I've been winging it since I was born and I think I've done pretty well for myself."

They quieted when Ryan mumbled something under his breath and tightened his grip on her leg. "How's Ryan really doing? All we hear at the precinct is the crap he feeds everyone."

"Honestly really well. He's been talking to someone for a while now and he's made quite a bit of progress but he still has a ways to go. He has nightmares sometimes about getting shot and Jenny's birthday is in a couple weeks and I know that's weighing on him. At least he talks to me about things and doesn't bottle anymore."

"I'm glad to hear that. So any plans for dinner?"

She shook her head, "Nothing yet."

He nodded and just stared at his daughter and her boyfriend for a few minutes. "I never thought I would say this but I'm glad you're with Ryan. I'll always worry about you but I worry less when you're with him, if something happened I know he would do whatever it took to protect you. Plus he loves you and treats you like the princess you are, that's all I could really ask for."

"Thanks dad."

"He looks really young when he sleeps," Castle commented. "Not that he really looks thirty on most days but you know what I mean." He had never seen the other man looking so innocent and vulnerable before, all his defenses down as he quietly slumbered on the person he apparently trusted explicitly. It seemed almost wrong to see him so defenseless, it felt intimate in a way that made him have to look away feeling he didn't have the right to see the detective this way.

Alexis smiled, "I know. We were looking at pictures a while back and he hasn't aged since he turned twenty-four. It's like he just stopped, it's crazy. It's only when he starts talking that you realize he's not as young as he looks."

The sat quietly for a few more minutes until he stood, "Well I'll get something started for dinner. I know Dev will be hungry when he wakes up."

Ryan was awoken by soft breathing tickling his nose and he opened his eyes and grinned at the sight of his son. Quickly gathering him in a hug he buried his head in his small shoulder and breathed in his scent. "I missed you so much buddy."

"I missed you too daddy," he said happily. "I tried to wait for you to wake up."

"You don't have to wait for me, you can wake me up whenever you want. How was it with Castle?" he asked his son who he was still crushing.

Dev smiled happily, "We had fun. The drive was boring."

He laughed, "Some things can't be helped. When did you get here?"

He shrugged his tiny shoulders, "I was asleep. Mommy and Castle are in the kitchen making dinner I think. Are you hungry? I'm hungry."

"Lead the way Dev." Ryan rose and stretched before following his son to the kitchen where he watched him run over and hug Alexis. Castle turned and smiled in greeting at Ryan who was fighting against another yawn, "Hey Castle."

"Hi Ryan, having a good vacation?" he asked pleasantly as he began to dish something out of a pot and onto plates.

He nodded and glanced hungrily at the plate, "It's been great. What's for dinner?"

"Macaroni and Cheese with breadcrumbs, bacon bits, and mushrooms and you are really burnt."

Ryan laughed at the sudden statement as he accepted a plate from his friend, "Yeah I know."

Dinner passed nicely for everyone, Castle getting to really see the family his daughter was now unofficially a part of. She looked happy as she poured Devlin a glass of water and smiled graciously when Ryan passed her a napkin. He couldn't help but smile at how content the young family looked and felt privileged that he was a part of it.

The following day Castle walked onto the back patio and laughed at Alexis and Devlin playing Marco Polo in the pool before making his way over to Ryan who was sitting in just his swim trunks drinking a dark beer. His greeting died on his lips when he finally got to see the two scars from the shooting. The scars weren't overly large but still looked angry, a brutal reminder of what had happened. One was smaller than the other, the one closest to his heart larger and longer than the one the ripped through his lung. He could still perfectly picture Ryan drenched in his own blood trying to breath as Esposito tried to keep him from going into shock.

Ryan noticed his gaze, "Brutal huh?"

Castle's eyes jerked to meet his and he blushed, "Sorry, I've never seen them before."

"It's fine, they're hard not to notice. They'll never go away but they'll fade, all scars do."

The writer just nodded, knowing he wasn't just talking about the physical ones they could see. "Thank you for inviting me to stay here with you three."

"I figured it would be in everyone's best interests for us all to hang out without the stress of our daily lives and thanks for offering the house, this place is unreal."

Castle began to laugh and Ryan frowned, "What?"

"This is just a little surreal, I mean I wasn't aware you even owned anything except three piece suits. It's strange to just see you sitting here and not running around and relaying info to Kate with your other half."

Ryan shook his head and pointed to him with his beer, "See? We need to hang out more and get to know each other. You want a beer?"

Castle eyed the bottle in his hand, "That is some black beer."

"That means it's good. I saw that light crap you keep stocked in the fridge, come on Castle you _own _a bar. Beer is not supposed to look like dirty water."

The writer smiled at how at ease Ryan seemed and took the offered drink. They sat comfortably next to each other until Castle laughed and pointed to him, "Is that a tattoo of a four leaf clover?"

Ryan grinned and nodded as his hand slid over the small tattoo on his side, "Jenny's idea. She thought it would be adorable to have matching tattoos, I thought it was corny. You see who won that discussion. I'm kind of glad that she did though, it's just something to remember her by now."

"Jenny was something special," he said carefully hoping he wasn't going to upset Ryan.

He nodded, "Yes she was. Lightening struck twice for me thankfully, Lex is pretty damn special too."

"Yes she is," Castle agreed.

Both men watched her swim around with Devlin until Ryan looked at his phone and shouted for Dev to come over. The little boy immediately swam to the edge and pulled himself out of the pool and over to his father who began to towel him off and apply sunscreen. "You might have to put on a shirt bud, you're already burning."

"Daddy," he whined.

He finished rubbing the sunscreen in and spun him around and handed him a bottle of water, "We'll see ok? Drink this please then you can get back in."

Devlin looked at Castle who shook his head, "Do what your dad says Dev, water is important."

"He's getting really sassy," Ryan commented after Devlin had walked away.

Castle chuckled, "It'll get worse before it gets better. You've done a good job with him Ryan."

He looked over at the larger man and nodded in thanks. "I'm trying but it's tough. Just when you get one thing figured out something new pops up. I can't believe he's already turning six this year."

Castle was quiet for a moment until he frowned suddenly, "You got married in September right? And Devlin was born on March 23rd?"

Ryan smiled softly, "You never did the math? I thought it was sort of obvious." He glanced at the pool and made sure Devlin was far away. "Dev was… unexpected. We wanted kids but were going to wait a few years. Jenny wanted to get married before she got big so we moved the wedding up a couple months from when it was originally planned. A few months before Dev's due date Jenny ate something that must have been undercooked or something because she got Toxoplasmosis. They tried to prepare us for him to be blind or have epilepsy but I don't know how you're supposed to _prepare_ for something like that. When he was born they ran all these tests but he was just fine. He's my little miracle."

It amazed Castle that he was sharing intimate details about his life with him but he understood why. Sharing things was a way to establish trust and it was a two way street.

"Growing up my mother was… well you know how mother is, she's more of a free spirit than a parent. I spent a lot of time with nannies and quite a few days in the library, which worked out because it laid the foundation for a career as an author. We never really spoke about it because it wouldn't change anything but it always bothered me I never knew my father. If I knew what happened to him, or if he was alive or not, it would help but just thinking that he didn't want me gets to me some days. It feels like no matter how successful I become it still isn't enough because he's never shown up."

"His loss," Ryan said instantly. "Not only are you a multi-millionaire best selling author you're also a genuinely good person and that's a rarity. You don't need to prove anything to him."

Castle's eyebrows shot up, "You sound like you're speaking from experience."

Ryan was saved from answering by his phone ringing. He quickly grabbed the object and walked away from Castle before answering it.

The writer watched him through curious eyes, what was the deal with Ryan and his family?

"Hey Javi, what's up?"

"_Not much bro, how's the vacation going? Sun, sand, and sexy bikinis? You two are probably going at it like bunnies. I guess we'll know how the trip went if another Ryan pops up in nine months. Details."_

Ryan laughed, "I'm not sharing anything."

"_Oh come on! I'm stuck here at the precinct interviewing all these people that swear an alien took their friend. Give me something."_

"It's only going to make you jealous. I'm hanging by the pool drinking Guinness, not a cloud in the sky and there's a little bit of a breeze coming off the ocean. Castle and Dev are here and he's going to make ribs for dinner on the grill."

"_I hate you so much right now. Nah, I'm happy for you bro. You needed to get out of here."_

He nodded and glanced at the pool when a large splash sounded, Dev laughing as Castle's head popped up out of the water. "Yeah. So what's up?"

"_I hate to bother you but I wanted to run something by you about this case, the actual case not the alien thing."_

Ryan listened intently to what his partner was saying and offered his thoughts about what was said. They were each other's backboard and he knew how difficult it was to think without the other there to converse with. They functioned better as a team than solo.

"_That's what I was thinking too. I'll grab Beckett and we'll go look at the apartment again. Have fun Ry, I'll see you in a few days."_

"Bye Javi." He walked back to the pool and slipped in quietly, unnoticed by the other three. He sucked in a deep breath and dove under the water before swimming all the way across the pool and pinching Alexis who screamed. He popped up and laughed before being dunked by his girlfriend. A strong hand attached to his shoulder and hauled him up where he coughed and sputtered, "Thanks Castle, she's trying to kill me."

"I have to get you back in one piece, Kate will kill me if she loses a detective."

Ryan grinned and whispered something to Dev before swimming away.

"Kate and Castle sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g," Dev sang happily. Alexis burst out laughing at her dad's blush, Ryan doing the same from the other side of the pool. Was it childish? Yes. Did they care? No.

The end of the week came too quickly for all of them and with reluctance Ryan loaded their luggage into the car and stared at the large house in front of him. Alexis appeared in the doorway and made her way over to him, her sundress lightly billowing in the ocean breeze. "Everything packed?"

He nodded and pulled her closer for a kiss. "Can we just stay here for like a month?"

"Somehow I don't think Dev's school or the precinct would like that very much," she said softly. "We'll come back again."

"Promise?"

"Promise."


	10. Chocolate Soothes The Savage Beast

**Title: Chocolate Soothes The Savage Beast**

**Summary: A heavily pregnant Alexis decides to swing by the precinct. Takes place a few months after they get married.**

**Genre: Romance/Humor**

**Characters: Alexis**

* * *

Alexis stepped off the elevator and glanced around the homicide floor but only saw Esposito amid some other unfamiliar faces. She made her way over to his desk and waited patiently for him to finish his phone call, her hands tugging slightly on the bottom of her blouse to keep it down over her rounded stomach.

He jumped up after ending the call and hugged her before pulling out Ryan's chair for her to sit down in. "Hey girl, look at you looking all beautiful today."

"Flattery will get you everywhere," she grinned as she carefully lowered herself and leaned back with a sigh of relief. "God I wish I could breath. Where might my husband be?"

Esposito jerked a thumb over his shoulder, "Interrogation with Beckett, your dad's observing. So what brings you down here, everything ok?"

She smothered a smile, even though Kevin was the father-to-be Esposito was just as protective as he was over his unborn niece or nephew. He had taken it upon himself to be there when Ryan couldn't be and had even taken her to a couple appointments when Ryan had to take care of things for Devlin. "Everything's fine, I just thought I'd get out of the apartment for a bit. Are you guys really busy, should I come back later?"

He quickly waved off her concerns, "Nah. I mean we might get more after this interrogation but we just have to see. So how's my nephew doing?"

"You mean niece?" she asked teasingly. She was waiting to know the gender, much to Ryan's dislike, and everyone had their own opinion of what the baby would be. Esposito and Castle were betting on a boy, Ryan and Beckett were betting on a girl. "The baby's fine, everything's good." Her eyes drifted to the break room but before she could ever lift herself out of the chair Esposito was standing.

"What do you want? I'll get it."

"Water if it's not too much trouble please," she asked. Amidst the not being able to breath and constantly feeling like she had reached maximum capacity it was nice that at least everyone waited on her hand and foot.

When Esposito disappeared the door to interrogation swung open revealing Kate and Ryan who closed the door and spoke quietly before Castel burst out of interrogation, "He's lying. You know he's lying."

Beckett arched an eyebrow and smiled, "Yes Castle, we are trained detectives. We'll hold onto him while we check out his story. Ryan, call the boss and get the security footage so we can make sure he was where he said he was. I want to know everything he did that night, every move he made."

"On it," he replied before turning and noticing his wife. A massive smile broke across his face as he walked over. "What are you doing here?"

She tilted her head up to accept the kiss he gave her before smiling as he dropped down into the chair by his desk. "Just thought I'd stop by."

Esposito reappeared and handed her a bottle of water as Castle and Beckett approached. "Hi honey, everything ok?" Castled asked.

She groaned, "Yes, everything's fine. Everybody stop asking me, I'm not going to spontaneously combust." Not done ranting she glared at Kate, "Do you have anything to add? Hmmm?"

Everyone's eyebrows shot up at her snappy words and short temper; her mood swings were making talking to her a minefield. She had good days and bad days but ever since hitting thirty-three weeks more bad days had begun to appear. She was sick of not being able to fit in booths anymore at restaurants and her feet hurt, she hated that she couldn't take a hot bath and was really starting to miss having a glass of wine in the evenings.

Kevin grinned and dug in his desk drawer before producing a chocolate bar and handing it to her. Her eyes lit up as she removed the wrapper and broke off a piece. As soon as the sugary chunk hit her tongue she relaxed and smiled, "Yum, thank you."

They all sat quietly for a few moments until Alexis sighed, "I have to use the bathroom. Again. Ugh." With some help from Ryan she got out of the chair and waddled away with a warning, "If anyone touches that chocolate bar I will rip off your arms and beat you with them."

Once she was gone Castle began to laugh as Esposito stared at his partner, "She's getting worse. Thank God you had that chocolate bar."

Ryan nodded seriously, "Chocolate soothes the beast. I've got them stashed everywhere. At no point during the day am I farther than ten feet from something chocolate."

Beckett began to laugh, "Seriously?"

"Oh yeah. My desk, Javi's, the break room, all over the apartment, the car. There's even some stashed at Castle's place and in Dev's backpack."

"Dev doesn't eat them?" Esposito asked.

He shook his head, "Dev's not dumb, he doesn't have a death wish." Seeing Alexis come around the corner he looked at his boss, "Could I take a lunch before I call about the security footage?"

Esposito nodded before Beckett could answer, "I'll call the boss you just get her out of here before she attacks someone."

Hiding a smile Ryan grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair and his keys out of his desk drawer as she approached. "Come on, I'll take you to lunch."

"But what about calling whoever about your suspect?" she asked curiously.

"Javi will take care of it."

Alexis stood and looked at his partner as her eyes began to well with tears, "You're so good to Kevin and I. I don't know what we would do without you." As more tears began to gather and fall Ryan gently grabbed her arms and began to steer her away.

"Yeah he's great," he said dryly and grinned when his partner flipped him off behind Alexis's back. "So where did you want to go eat? There's that place by the park that has that dark chocolate cake you love."

"You just keep feeding me and then I'll get fat and it'll be all your fault," she hissed.

He shook his head and cast everyone a pleading look over his shoulder, "No honey, you're beautiful. You'll always be beautiful."

Castle watched them enter the elevator with a smile, "I remember that, the role of dad-to-be."

"Do you miss it?" Beckett asked her boyfriend softly.

"God no. Meredith literally tried to kill me when I accidently said she was getting too big for the apartment. I had to hide all the kitchen knives until Alexis was born."

Esposito listened with wide eyes and made a mental note to never get Lanie pregnant.

Ever.


	11. I'm Coming Home

**Title: I'm Coming Home**

**Summary: Ryan finally gathers the courage to go home after ten years. Takes place after Ryan proposes but before Alexis gets pregnant. **

**Genre: Family**

**Characters: Ryan**

* * *

Ryan pulled up to a large brick home and killed the engine before just sitting quietly trying to gather the courage to walk up to the front door.

Alexis stared out the windshield at the home and surrounding fields and smiled at the scene that looked like it came off a postcard, "This is beautiful." When there wasn't a response she sat back in her seat and grabbed her fiancées hand. "You've come this far, you can do this. They know you're coming. Come on." She climbed from the vehicle and circled around to his side and grabbed his trembling hand tightly as they made their way up to the wrap around porch.

The steps creaked slightly as they passed over them and when they approached the door Alexis waited patiently for Ryan to knock.

A full minute passed before Ryan finally lifted his hand and knocked firmly on the bright red door. Steps could be heard from inside and it took everything he had to stay still and not shy away when the handle began to turn.

The door swung open and Ryan offered a weak smile, "Hi ma."

An extremely short woman with auburn hair smattered with a few grey strands rushed forward and hugged him tightly, "Oh my little angel. You're finally home." He melted into the embrace that he had missed so much. She felt the exact same to hug, still smelt like she had spent all day in the kitchen. He tried to keep hold of his emotions but a few tears still escaped his watering eyes.

She pulled away and looked over his face and features as she wiped away his tears and her own. "Oh honey you're so handsome," she said with a smile as she looked him up and down. Alexis shifting slightly behind Ryan caught the woman's attention and she smiled warmly at his companion, "You must be Alexis." After pulling her into a hug she softly whispered, "Thank you for bringing my baby boy home."

With the initial meeting over Lila ushered them inside and of course straight to the kitchen where she sat them down and proceeded to shower them with food, the staple of every Irish home. Alexis graciously took the offered snacks after their long drive but Ryan and his mother didn't touch anything, just sat staring at each other.

"House looks the same," he commented.

"Of course it does, I can't get your father to do anything. He's always out in the garage of his tinkering on things that serve no purpose."

Ryan bit his lip, "Where is da?"

Seeing his rising nervousness Alexis subtly placed her hand on his thigh and squeezed. He had spoken a little about his childhood since he had begun talking to his parents over the phone but he never gave explicit details about his relationship with his mother or father. The only things she had really gotten out of everything he told her was that his mother tended to baby him and his father always viewed him as somewhat of a disappointment, no matter what he did it was never good enough so he had simply stopped trying. In one of her conversations with Ava she had let it slip that their father had beat Ryan a few times growing up, not horrible but enough to leave bruises. Alexis had a strong feeling that even before everything happened when he was twenty-two their relationship had been a love/hate one.

Heavy footsteps and a slamming door made Ryan tense and Lila smile reassuringly, "It's ok my baby." The footsteps entered the kitchen behind Ryan and he sucked in a deep breath before he stood and turned to face his dad. "Hi da." The room was thick with tension, Ryan having no idea how to act around someone he hadn't seen in almost ten years and yelled at the last time they spoke. He had been disrespectful and just plain mean, an embarrassment to the entire family. Time seemed to stand still and the much larger man approached slowly until stopping directly in front of his son who couldn't stop the flinch that flashed across his face.

"I've missed ya so much ya stupid boy," the man whispered before crushing him in a hug. Stunned it took Ryan a moment to react and hug him back.

"Da I'm so sorry for everything I said…"

Patrick stopped him, "It's in the past. None of it matters. My runt has returned."

Alexis watched them with a relieved smile, thankful that the reunion was going so well. Patrick was much larger than she realized now that she was seeing him in person. He wasn't thin but wasn't by any means heavy and looked to be about as tall as Castle with graying hair and deep green eyes. She stood politely when the man approached, "It's nice to finally meet you."

Patrick pulled her into a bear hug and Ryan could only watch in slight distrust because he definitely did not remember his father being this affectionate and welcoming. He loved his dad but they were just different people and never could seem to get on the same page, now though it seemed he had finally relaxed and settled into a comfortable existence instead of the angry man he used to be.

With the stress from seeing his dad again evaporating with every second he finally realized how hungry he was and dug into his mother's food, which was just as delicious as it had always been.

"What happened to your accent, you hiding it?" Patrick asked after a while of talking lightly.

Ryan laughed, "It faded da. The city works it out of you after a while."

He shook his head, "It don't sound right, you speaking like this."

Alexis giggled and Ryan met her eyes before finally relenting and letting his accent thicken. "Is tha' better, ya happy da?"

"That's more like it."

"Well tell us about everything since we last saw you," Lila insisted.

Ryan scratched the back of his head trying to think of where he could even start, "Wow, uh… Well about a year and a half after I last saw you guys I transferred into homicide. Still there." Trying to cover ten years with people that weren't there for any of it was proving difficult. "I have a son," he said with a small smile.

Lila smiled brightly, "Tell me all about him."

Ryan began to relax more as he covered a topic that he knew everything about; he could talk about his son for days. "His name is Devlin and he's almost seven. He's beautiful; blonde hair and blue eyes. Super smart and sweet. Just amazing." He pulled out his phone and pulled up a picture before handing it to his mother and father.

Both awed at the smiling boy with the missing teeth but Patrick could sense he was missing something and glanced at Alexis, "He's not…"

Ryan answered for her, "No. I was married for a few years. Her name was Jenny, she uh… she passed away when Dev was two."

"Oh honey," Lila whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"Me too, you guys would have loved her." The conversation quickly moved on from the delicate subject and as more time passed Ryan became more comfortable speaking about all the things that had happened over the years.

Alexis watched with an easy smile as Ryan showed them more pictures of Dev and told them about his life. The conversation shifted from English to Irish a few times, Ryan trying to keep it in English so Alexis wouldn't feel left out but finding at times it was easier to switch to the tongue he was brought up with.

The sound of the door swinging open and slamming made everyone turn and Ryan's eyes widened when Ava's voice shouted, "Where the hell is he?"

Ryan slid out of his chair and walked to the living room where Ava instantly walked up to him with a livid expression and only stopped when they were mere inches away. Ava was the smallest of them all, barely 5'1" with long brown hair thrown up into a messy bun and huge green eyes.

Furious whispers were heard by everyone else and Alexis gasped when Ava suddenly punched Ryan, not slapped, punched. Ryan instantly retaliated with a hard shove that almost knocked her down and a moment later they were rolling on the floor attacking each other. Alexis looked at Patrick and Lila in concern but they were just sitting there while the two hurled Irish curses at each other. Patrick couldn't stop grinning and Lila looked like she was going to faint from the language.

Patrick finally stood and shouted, "That's enough."

Both people on the floor froze, Ryan's hand on Ava's shoulder trying to shove her away while her grip on his hair tightened. They stood and glared at each other while they checked for injuries, the worst being the slight swelling to Ryan's eye and a brutal bite mark on Ava's forearm.

A small laugh sounded from Ava when Ryan rubbed his scalp where she had been pulling and a moment later they were both laughing openly and honestly. "I've been waiting to do that for ten years you jerk."

"Jerk," he said astonished. "You punched me! You're a brat."

"And you're an ass. Now where's the girl?" She looked around and after trying to fix her hair she walked over like she hadn't just assaulted someone. "I'm Ava, it's great to meet you Alexis."

Alexis accepted her offered hug, "It's nice to meet you too."

With a small glance at her brother she casually asked, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-four."

Ava opened her mouth but stopped when a pillow slammed into the back of her head from the living room, "Don't Ava." She whipped around and glared at her brother before turning back around and smiling at the redhead.

"And how did you two meet?"

Alexis glanced at Kevin who quietly walked over and dropped into a chair between her and Ava. "My dad works with Kev, I've known him for a for years."

Patrick's eyebrows shot up, "He's an officer? And wasn't that uncomfortable for him and your other coworkers?"

Ryan nodded, "Definitely uncomfortable but everybody got over it and no, Castle's not a cop he's a writer."

Lila's eyes lit up, "It's not Richard Castle is it?" At Alexis's nod she squealed excitedly, "I love his books! Nikki Heat is wonderful." Ryan could see where this was heading and withheld a groan. "He supposedly writes about real police officers. Oh my God. Honey does he write about you?"

Ryan was blushing furiously, "It's fiction ma."

"He's Detective Sean Raley," Alexis blurted out with a grin. "And his partner Esposito is Detective Miguel Ochoa."

Ava began to laugh hysterically and Patrick perked up a bit, "Roach? They're a better team than Heat and Rook. We've been reading about our own son for years."

"I'm not like…" Ryan began but Alexis cut him off.

"He's spot on. The dorkiness, love of all technology, super sweet and loyal. Him and Esposito might as well be one person at the precinct. Dad makes the characters as real as possible without giving away their real names and lives."

Patrick looked at his son, "How's Nikki in real life?"

"Beckett's… tough, but in a good way. She's beautiful, super smart, great detective. She's like she is in the book minus the slutiness. I don't know, she's just Beckett."

Ava finally joined in, "Is she with Rook?"

Ryan met his fiancée's eyes and they both laughed, "No one knows, they seem like they're together but they have for years. Castle's been laying it on pretty thick lately though so maybe something will finally happen."

Everything was going pretty smoothly until Alexis said something without thinking. It's not like they didn't have a right to know but he didn't want them to worry about past events. "I think it was me moving in for that month that really finally got us truly together," Alexis said in response to Ava prodding more about their relationship.

Lila frowned, "Only a month? I don't understand. Don't you live together now?"

Ryan grimaced a little, "Lex moved in with me to take care of Dev and I before she actually moved in because I got... shot. Twice."

Silence rained down until Ava scooted over and hugged him close, "You can't die! You're my wonder twin. Shadow and light are two sides of the same coin, one cannot exist without the other."

Ryan chuckled, "First off we're not twins and you just butchered an old Hanna Barbera tv show and Zelda. Secondly I'm not dead."

"You almost died," Alexis said softly as she squeezed his hand. At Patrick's request she explained, "He got hit twice in the chest, one collapsed his lung and the other missed his heart by three millimeters. He was in a coma for nine days."

Lila began to cry and Patrick held her close while he frowned heavily. Ava grabbed his shirt and jerked it up before he could stop her and gently traced the now white scars. "Did you get the guy that did this?"

He nodded as the memory overtook him, his eyes clouding a little as he remembered how badly he had wanted to pull that trigger and just end the nightmare. "Right after I got back to work."

Patrick leaned forward, "Have you had anything else serious happen?"

"No. Just that," he answered as he popped back to the present.

"When did you get clean honey?" Lila asked carefully.

Ryan leaned back in his chair and crossed his arm fighting against his instinct to not talk about it. "I went undercover for fourteen months right after that Christmas before I decided I wanted to try for homicide. Some things went down when they did the bust that made me realize I needed a change. My transfer was granted and my new partner made me get clean."

"How many partner's have you had?" Patrick asked.

"Luckily just the one," he answered. "Javi and I have been together for eight years." A large yawn escaped him before he could stop it.

Lila of course jumped up and began to herd him to the living room, "Oh my baby, you're tired. You lie down and take a nap alright."

"Ma, I'm fine," he lightly argued as she forced him down on the couch.

She shook her head, "Nonsense. You just relax."

With a smile he allowed her to close the blinds and fluff a pillow and found that he was much more tired than he realized. After only a few minutes his eyes drifted shut and sleep pulled him under.

Lila just stood quietly watching her youngest sleep, tears gathering in her eyes as he curled up on one end. Large hands appeared on her shoulders and she leaned back into her husband. "I can't believe he's here."

Patrick agreed quietly, "I never said it but I was sure he was dead. Everyday I waited for the call that my son would never return. So what do we think about the girl?"

"She's wonderful," Lila answered. "Come on, let's go back to the kitchen."

Pictures were the next thing to come out much to Alexis's delight and the stories that came with them were priceless. A part of her was glad Ryan was sleeping because she knew he would be dying right now as they spoke about the time Ava locked him in the closet and when Leah dressed him up like a doll when he was a baby.

"So Kevin had a bad stutter?" she asked quietly knowing this was her only chance to hear more about it.

Lila nodded, "My poor baby. He had a terrible time trying to talk to people and the other kids were so horrible to him. We tried speech therapy but it took a few years for it to finally fade. That and his dyslexia..."

"He's dyslexic?" she asked in surprise.

Ava nodded, "Pretty bad. It's a miracle he did as well as he did in school and everything. Since you didn't know about it I'm guessing he's got it dealt with but does he still have the stutter?"

"When he gets flustered he stutters a little but it's not bad at all."

Alexis continued to flip through the pictures with a small smile as everyone described certain ones, Ava's stories completely hilarious while Lila's were more proud. She grinned at a few of him with his motorcycle.

Ava saw what she was looking at, "Did he tell you about that?"

Alexis nodded, "Yeah but I didn't get to see pictures of it. Look how cute he was."

"Took him long enough to get out of his awkward phase," Ava said flatly.

Alexis laughed, "He's still pretty awkward but that's part of why everyone loves him."

When she came upon the last pictures they had of him she closed the book and looked at Lila and Patrick. "This trip was kind of spur of the moment but next time I'll bring you guys pictures of the last ten years. There's a few blank spots but Jenny took a lot of pictures and I've been trying to also."

Something was tickling Ryan's nose and no matter how much he rubbed it it wouldn't go away. He finally blinked awake and smiled brightly at the sight of his oldest sister holding a few strands of her hair that she had been using to tease him. "Leah!"

Leah gathered Kevin into a hug once he sat up and rubbed her hands up and down his back, "Hey Booger."

He couldn't even take offense to the old nickname as he continued to hold her close. "You're so beautiful…and old."

She smirked and pulled back slightly, "I could say the same. I mean God Kev, you're in your thirties now. What happened to my Booger telling me that he'd never get wrinkles?"

"It's a laugh line Leah and at least I won't be fort.." he was cut off by a hand over his mouth and a pinch to his sides.

"Don't start with me. Everyone in the kitchen?" After he nodded she kissed his forehead and walked away.

A moment later a mountain of a man entered and looked at Kevin with a somewhat irritated expression, "The prodigal son has returned. Have Patrick and Lila pardoned you Kevin?"

Ryan crossed his arms and stared up at his brother-in-law, waiting to respond until Leah left the living room. "Harsh Seth. Nice to see you too."

Seth glanced around and after seeing they were alone pointed a finger in Ryan's face, "I'm the one that's been here for years taking care of the family because the only boy they had abandoned them. The last time I saw you was when you made my wife and kids cry at Christmas, you don't get to just show back up only to hurt everyone again."

"I'm clean Seth, I have been for eight years. I'm here to make amends and move on. I'm sorry for everything I did," he answered honestly, hands stuck in his pockets. The pair could only stare at each other until Seth spoke again.

"Why are you here anyway, what changed?"

A small smile appeared on Ryan's lips, "My fiancée decided it was time to fix this, she wanted ma and da to go to the wedding."

They continued their standoff until Seth finally smiled, "So the outlaw's back? You look good bro, little small but some things can't be helped."

"Har har," Ryan grinned as Alexis walked out of the other room and over to Kevin. Seth's eyebrow's rose and he looked at Kevin with a mischievous smile. Ryan slid his arm around her waist and looked at he taller man, "Alexis this is my brother-in-law Seth, Seth this is my fiancée Alexis."

The much larger man gently shook her hand; "I have to ask what in the world did you see in him to say yes to a proposal?"

Alexis turned to face Ryan and kissed him, "Everything."

Everyone returned to the kitchen and continued to snack on the food Lila kept producing from seemingly everywhere and Ryan felt disappointment at the fact Lydia and Julie couldn't make it. "Will they be here for Thanksgiving?"

Ava nodded, "Everyone comes home on Thanksgiving, and I mean everyone."

Lila didn't want to push it but she had to know, "Will you be joining us this year?"

He glanced at Alexis who bit her lip and he knew why. They always spent Thanksgiving with Castle, Beckett, Martha, and Jim. Esposito and Lanie were always invited but they usually did their own thing. Alexis answered for him, "Would it be alright if we brought a few people?"

"Who?" Patrick asked.

Ryan grinned knowing there was no way they were going to say no. "Rook and his mom and Nikki and her dad."

"Oh!" Lila shouted excitedly. "Of course!"

"Then it looks like we'll be here," Ryan answered from between his sisters who began to launch excitedly into stories from past Thanksgivings. Alexis's eyes widened when she heard that this year they were expecting sixteen adults, eight children, and four dogs. Ryan had told her his family was large but she had no idea it was that large, honestly she was looking forward to it because it was sure to be quite an experience.

Late the next day Ryan wandered out to the garage and stood at the entryway watching his dad sand down a chair leg. "You going to stand there and watch or help me?" He quickly entered and walked over to his dad who pointed at a pile of wood, "I've got three more legs to sand and restain, get to work." He lit a cigarette for himself and held up the pack to his son, "Cigarette?"

Ryan shook his head and let out a small laugh when Patrick asked, "You one of those health nuts?"

"No da, I just don't smoke."

They worked side by side not really talking until Patrick turned a little and watched him carefully do as he was told. "Son," he began and internally cringed when Ryan perked up at the unfamiliar term. "I know we never really saw eye to eye on very many things and I know I was a little too tough on you some times."

Ryan nodded and stayed quiet wondering where in the world this could be going.

"I just want to apologize for anything I might have done that hurt you growing up. I've had a lot of years to think about things and I know I handled a few things with you badly."

Ryan didn't stop sanding; he needed to keep his focus split to remain calm. "If you're talking about when you punished me for things it's ok. I know I was a little tough to be around sometimes."

Patrick shook his head, "It's not ok. I should have been more patient with you and that stutter. I made it worse and I see that know. It took a long time for me to realize that I should be glad you were different than me."

He wanted to keep his mouth shut but this was his opportunity to speak to his father one man to another. "Growing up it felt like nothing I did was good enough for you."

"In my eyes it wasn't," he answered and Ryan couldn't help but duck his head a little in embarrassment. "But that was on me," he continued. "I love you Kevin, I know I didn't say it as much as I should have growing up but I love you. So what that you weren't athletic, or that you would rather stay in the kitchen helping your mother cook than help me in the shed? You were small and sensitive…"

"You're making me sound like a poof."

Patrick laughed, "Sorry. I'm just trying to say that I respect you for who you are. You were always perfect even if I was too blind to see it. And look at you now, all grown up with a respectable career and a family. If I could do it over I would but I can't so all I can do is be better from now on."

Ryan continued to sand, knowing if he stopped it would only make this already uncomfortable conversation beyond awkward. "I love you too da and I want you to know that I never held anything against you. Even though you were a little tough you've always been a good father."

"How are you with your son?" Patrick asked curiously.

He shrugged, "Patient, supportive. I don't know. I think I'm doing pretty well. I don't treat him like he's seven, we talk about things and I listen to his opinions."

Both continued to work in silence until Patrick paused, "I'd love to meet him sometime."

"You will," Ryan answered simply and returned his dad's easy smile.

A couple hours later Ryan pulled out onto the highway with a small smile on his face. He would have loved to stay longer but he couldn't use his vacation days because of the upcoming wedding. This weekend had given him what he had wanted, a building block that he could build on and hope for the future and it was all because of his future wife. "Thank you."

She didn't have to ask what he was referring to, she knew him better than that so with a squeeze to his thigh she smiled. "You're welcome."


	12. Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral

**Title: Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral**

**Summary: Ryan takes care of his daughter in the middle of the night and takes time to reflect on the time since her birth.**

**Genre: Family**

**Characters: Ryan, Alexis**

* * *

Ryan heard her first, which really wasn't surprising because after being on call seven days a week for ten years he slept pretty lightly. Sitting up and rubbing his hands up and down his face and through his hair he yawned and turned when a small hand touched his back and tugged on the hem of his green boxers. "You want me to get her?"

He turned and placed a kiss to her cheek before climbing out of the bed and pulling the comforter back up, "I've got it, you go back to bed." The only response he got was a sleepy hum.

After turning down the volume on the monitor he grabbed his sweats from the floor and slid them on before wandering across the dimly lit living room, thank God for nightlights, and into his daughter's room. A smile appeared on his sleepy face as he repeated the word in his head, _daughter_. It still sounded so new and almost foreign and when his eyes fell upon his beautiful child he sighed happily. No matter how much she cried, no matter how much she pooped, she was still the most adorable person on the planet.

His large hands grabbed her tiny frame out of the crib and the blanket she was still swaddled in and carried her to the kitchen where he quietly made her a bottle with one hand. He was getting pretty good at this whole ambidextrous thing. After the bottle was warmed slightly he returned to her room and dropped down into the chair in the corner and stuck the nipple between her pouty lips.

While some might dread middle of the night feedings Ryan treasured them. Here in the dead of night he could sit in silence with his daughter and count her ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes. He could run his fingers over her tiny ears and across her barely there eyebrows. Small puffs of air made him notice she had fallen asleep again and he gently tickled her chin to wake her back up to eat.

It was hard to comprehend that a mere two weeks ago she hadn't existed on this earth, that she was just an unseen kicking being inside his wife. Alexis of course had her water break when he wasn't there which in itself was pretty amazing considering only about ten percent of women had their water break naturally. He had arrived home and was amazed at how absolutely calm Devlin was as he grabbed her belongings and stuck them by the door before sitting next to her and talking about how excited he was to finally meet his sister. The entire thing had been calm and relaxed and for that he was thankful because his life had enough stress in it. Only after they got to the hospital and fully settled did they realize Alexis's contractions weren't regular so after a dose of Pitocin the real fun began.

Ryan could tell when they started to worsen not only from the monitor attached to her stomach but also from the brutal bone crushing grip on his hand that was getting worse and worse. Just when both thought it couldn't get any more painful Erin was there, alive and screaming and pink and cradled against Alexis and Ryan couldn't help but grin like an idiot. After getting her checked and cleaned up the nurses had handed her to him and it had been one of the single most awe inspiring moments of his life. She was so tiny, only seven and a half pounds, and new and a _part of him_. Her entire existence had only happened because of how much he loved Alexis and how much Alexis loved him. This little tiny human with the big green eyes exactly her mothers and the shock of dark hair exactly like his upon her petite head was a product of love in it's purest form.

He had of course experienced all of this with Jenny and Devlin but it wasn't the same, it wasn't more or less important or special it was just different. Devlin's birth had been hectic because of all the tests they had to administer and he and Jenny both had been robbed of the extraordinary time immediately after his birth so everything he got to experience with Erin was new. Having a second child wasn't just a repeat of the first it was entirely new and he felt elated that Devlin was old enough to truly appreciate his brand new sister.

A small coo alerted him that Erin was finished eating and he sat down the bottle on the table next to him and repositioned her to lie on his chest so they would both be more comfortable. His eyes drifted to the bottle, the dreaded bottle that had caused so much stress, and he shook his head at how silly it all was. Alexis had wanted to breastfeed, plain and simple but you can't always have what you want. The nurses had pressured her, she had pressured herself but it just wasn't happening. Ryan personally had been glad when she said they needed to formula feed because it meant he could actually help and bond more with her but he hated how upset his wife was with herself. She had treated it like she was a giant failure as a mother, like she had already let Erin down in her first week of life. Many tears later he had finally convinced her that Erin would grow up just fine and that her ability to breastfeed had absolutely nothing to do with her capacity to love and mother Erin.

It was surprising to him how much his normally confident wife was frightened and insecure about Erin. Babies were scary, plain and simple, and he knew that from personal experience. When you're in the hospital and there's nurses filtering in and out and taking care of the baby it's fine but then they just send you home, _alone, _and suddenly it's all too real. Your mind tries to grasp that this is a person that you're in charge of and that people trust you with this tiny person even though you have absolutely no idea what you're doing and the thought is terrifying. Then after a very short time you come to find out that you've got this, that diapers aren't as complicated as you initially anticipated and that hysterical crying doesn't mean your child is dying but that they're alive and testing out those brand new lungs. It had only been two weeks and Alexis wasn't to the point she wanted be alone with Erin yet and that was alright, that's why he was there to help and when he was forced to return to work he knew Castle would be there to step in. Even Javi had already stopped by a few times and fed and changed Erin, his time spent with his nieces really paying off and while Beckett wasn't fully comfortable around the baby she was learning. They had a large support group and for that he was thankful.

His eyes snapped to the doorway when he heard movement and Devlin peered in and whispered, "Is she ok?"

Ryan nodded and watched him walk in and stare at his little sister. "I tried to get to her before she woke you up buddy."

"It's ok," Devlin whispered and peered at the small space between his dad and the armrest of the chair. Ryan smiled softly and scooted a little before Dev squeezed into the spot and laid his head on his dad's shoulder. "I love you dad."

"I love you too buddy."

It was silent for a few minutes until Devlin whispered, "Will you sing to me?"

"Of course," he replied softly and in a low voice he began to sing the lullaby that Jenny had sung every night, the song that he had taken over when she had been called home by the angels. "_Over in Killarney, many years ago..._"

Alexis woke feeling more rested and refreshed than she had since Erin was born and just laid in the large bed with a smile for a while enjoying the quiet solitude. Her hands reached for the baby monitor but the screen just showed an empty crib so with a yawn she climbed from the tall bed and slipped on her robe. After crossing the living room she peeked into Erin's room and couldn't decide if she should smile or cry at the adorable sight in front of her. Kevin was fast asleep with Devlin squeezed into the chair next to him and Erin breathing softly on his chest, Ryan's hand firmly holding her safely to him even in sleep. This was her family, her own little family that she loved more than she ever thought she could love anyone or anything.

She watched her husband suck in a deep breath and look around to see what had woken him and returned his sleepy smile when their eyes met. The way he looked at her always took her breath away, his eyes shone with so much love and adoration that she almost felt unworthy under his gaze. This moment, this exact moment, was perfect in every possible way.

And then Ryan sneezed and Erin began to cry and Devlin fell out of the chair and the wonderful out-of-control circus that was now her life started up again.


	13. Love and Lead

**Title: Love and Lead**

**Summary: Ryan takes Alexis to a shooting range for their second date. Takes place while Ryan is still on leave from work from being shot.**

**Genre: Romance**

**Characters: Ryan, Alexis**

* * *

Alexis rolled over with a yawn and blindly reached for her cell on her nightstand table. After locating the object that was belting out Beastie Boys' Sabotage, the anthem of Ryan's youth and his all time favorite song, she pressed answer and held it to her ear with a sleepy smile, "Hello?"

Ryan loved how she sounded in the morning and even though he wished he could wake up next to her every day he knew it was too early in their relationship to have her there daily. "Good morning beautiful. How'd you sleep?"

"I slept great," she said around a yawn. "What time is it?"

"After eleven. I was wondering if I could take you on a date this afternoon if you aren't busy."

Throwing off the covers she stretched out her legs and walked to the window to peer outside, "I'd love to go out with you, where are we going?"

"Shooting range," he said instantly before laughing at the silence that followed. "You thought I was kidding when we talked about it but you are sadly mistaken. It'll be fun I promise."

Hearing the excitement in his voice made her smile fondly, "Are you going to pick me up?"

"Yup, you have an hour."

Her eyes widened, "Wow, ok. I have to go I'll see you in an hour!" She was just about to hang up when she suddenly pulled the phone back to her ear. "I love you."

A huge grin spread across his face, "I love you too. Now get ready."

Exactly an hour later she opened the apartment door and smiled at the sight of her boyfriend dressed casually in jeans, a white v-neck and sunglasses. Being around him so much while he was injured allowed her to really see him in relaxed dress as opposed to his stuffy work suits. "Ready?"

"Almost, come in. Dad and Gram aren't here."

"Well in that case," he said with a smile before grabbing her into a kiss that took her breath away. The pair stumbled towards the couch and Ryan spun to let his back hit the soft cushions, Alexis laughing as she fell on top of him. Her hands slid under his shirt and slid across his smooth skin as he buried a hand in her hair and slid his tongue across her bottom lip. When Alexis let out a soft moan and began to unbuckle his belt he suddenly snapped his eyes open. "Lex, we are not doing this on your dad's couch. I don't think finding us here would go over too well considering he doesn't even know about us."

"That's what makes it so exciting," she said breathlessly as she pressed herself closer to him.

His hands found their way to her butt and after sliding his hands into her back pockets he squeezed, "You are going to be the death of me, literally, if Castle finds us."

With a wide grin she kissed across his jaw to his lips before finally pulling back, "I think I need to spend the night tonight."

"I think that's a good idea," he groaned as she purposely let her hands slide over his belt and jeans before standing. With a steadying breath he stood and grabbed his previously discarded glasses off the table, "We leaving?"

"I suppose." Once in the car she glanced in the back seat at the gun cases, "What did you bring?"

"A few different ones," he answered. "It's mostly going to be you shooting since I'm not sure how well my posture's going to be since I'm still healing."

She nodded, "Are these all yours?"

"Yeah, they took away my badge and service weapon until I get back." He grimaced, "Feels weird to not have them on me. I feel like such a civvy."

After arriving at an indoor range she grabbed a few cases and followed him in, one glance around and she sighed in relief that they were alone. She knew she wasn't that good of a shot and it was easier to focus on what you're doing when you don't have an audience. "Why isn't there anyone here?"

"This range is for LEO's only and considering it's a Tuesday afternoon I don't think anybody else will come in." He walked all the way to the end and set everything down, "So what exactly have you shot and were you comfortable with it?"

She helped him unzip everything and thought about it, "I've shot a 9mm with dad and I felt pretty comfortable with it."

He pulled out his pistol and after checking it handed it to her, "Ok go over safety precautions with me."

"Well…" she started as she stared at the gun and thought about it. "First off you should never point a gun at anyone whether it's loaded or not, also your finger should never touch the trigger unless you're ready to shoot." She was rewarded with a smile and nod.

"Continue."

She looked over the gun and found the release and removed the magazine, "Before doing anything I should make sure it's empty, and that includes the chamber." Ryan reached over and helped her pull the slide back and lock it open so she could see inside. "This is really heavy, what it this?"

He pulled out ammo and handed it to her to fill the magazine, "It's a .45, it's what I keep for protection at the apartment. You ready to shoot it?" At her nod he got her situated and handed her the gun minus the magazine, "Alright, so this is going to have more recoil than the 9mm you shot. Don't lock your elbows and don't fight it but at the same time make sure you have a good grip on it. Lean forward a bit and part your legs a couple inches more. Perfect."

After grabbing the magazine he slid it in and handed her earplugs before squeezing her small waist and stepping back, "Whenever you're ready."

Alexis sucked in a deep breath and took aim before pulling the trigger, the gun jerking in her grip but not moving her. With wide eyes she looked at Ryan who was grinning and nodded for her to continue. She pulled the trigger again and again until it was empty and after double checking it was clear she set it down and took out her ear plugs, "Wow, that was a lot stronger than dad's."

He nodded, "I know he's got a .45 too but a 9mm is more practical and easier for you to shoot with your smaller hands. He taught you well, your grip looks great and you shot the target every time."

She beamed at the praise and turned towards the other guns, "What else can I shoot?"

He laughed and pointed vaguely, "Whatever you want. I brought a 12g shotgun, a .223, and just because it's super fun my .22 Long Rifle. I have others but figured this would be enough for today."

She let her fingers slide over the matt black AR and turned, "Does it bother you shooting these guns after your accident?"

Accident always seemed like the wrong term to describe what happened because in no way was it accidental but since it sounded better than 'the shooting' he let it slide when people said it. "Not at all," he responded. "You shouldn't ever be afraid of guns, you should respect them but never fear them. Guns are nothing but inanimate objects, just pieces of metal. It's people with their erratic emotions and unstable minds that make me nervous. People like Wayne."

"Agreed," she said quietly before looking back at the gun. "Can I shoot this?"

He nodded and after checking the chamber and adjusting the stock handed it to her, "It feels heavy at first but you'll get used to it." Her hands wrapped around it awkwardly and he laughed as he adjusted her hands and pointed to the scope. "You want to keep both eyes open so you can see through the scope for longer range and around you for potential threats. Closing one eye eliminates half of your vision, obviously, and you don't want any blind spots."

"Is this automatic?" she wondered.

He shook his head, "Only SWAT has the automatic weapons, we need more precision and control for our arrests. Plus it costs a lot of money and you have to jump through a lot of hoops to have a personal automatic weapon. It's not worth it, especially with the price of ammo these days."

"Makes sense," she replied before trying to get comfortable with the gun. She watched intently as Ryan went over the safety switch and how to put one in the chamber, what to do if it jams and how to hold it. "Like this?" she asked in slight confusion.

With a smile he slid up behind her and pulled the butt stock more into her shoulder and reached his arms around her to steady the gun. His low voice floated over her shoulder and she tried to suppress a shiver as his warm breath tickled the back of her neck. "Keep it firmly against you, it doesn't have hardly any recoil but it'll move if it's not stabilized. When you aim I want you to take in a breath and as you exhale pull the trigger. It's loud so be prepared."

As hard as it was to focus with him so close she still managed to remember everything he said. "Anything else?"

His hands let go of the gun and slid down her sides until settling on her hips and pulling her right one back slightly, "Make sure you stay forward." His right leg moved in between hers and he kicked out her foot a tiny bit with his leather boot. "Ready?"

Feeling all sorts of flustered she just nodded and waited while Ryan pushed the magazine in and fixed her earplugs before giving her a thumbs up. After mentally going over everything she had listened to she let out a breath and pulled the trigger, the loud noise sounding through her earplugs but the gun not moving. With a large smile she pulled the trigger again and again until finishing off the magazine. "That's so fun!" she said as Ryan took gun.

He chuckled and nodded, "Isn't it? I have a .308 just like this and it's pretty fun too." After setting down the gun in it's case he grabbed Alexis into a hug and kissed her softly, "You're a pretty good shot."

Alexis tilted her head up to deepen the kiss and let out a content sigh when he held her closer, fingers splayed wide across her back holding her snugly. After a few minutes she pulled away panting slightly, "Are you going to shoot any of them?"

He bit the inside of his cheek and glanced down range at the targets, "I don't know if it's going to pull on my scars or not, I don't really want everything to get sore again. I guess we could see though."

"You don't have to."

He grabbed the box of bullets and began to refill the .223 magazine, "I know but I really should start practicing again. I'm going to miss so much work that I'm going to have to get certified again, might as well be ready for it."

After finishing he stepped forward in an empty stall and after pulling back the charging handle to pop one into the chamber he took aim and fired. Alexis watched him carefully and felt a surge of different emotions at the vision of him with the gun. First off, he looked hot as hell holding the gun with complete ease as he fired off rounds in quick succession, every single one piercing through the bullseye. Secondly it filled her with fear, this was what he did for a living. It was like reality just slapped her in the face as she realized that he was holding a weapon similar to the one he used at work to find and take suspects down. Ryan was so calm and his personality was so disarming that she sometimes forgot he was just as capable of violence as everyone else at the precinct. If he needed to he had the skills and the capabilities to kill someone. He was dangerous and it was both alarming and infatuating.

As he finished he flipped on the safety and checked the chamber before setting it down and grinning, "Not bad for not shooting for over a month. Although now my chest hurts." At Alexis's preoccupied expression he walked over and frowned, "Everything alright?"

"Have you ever killed someone?" Her eyes widened and she slapped a hand over her mouth as the question popped out before she could stop it. She couldn't believe she had just asked such a personal question to someone that she had only just started a relationship with. "Kevin, I'm so sorry. You don't have to answer that."

Although the question caught him by surprise he didn't take any offense, "It's alright to ask me things. If I don't feel comfortable sharing I won't but you can always ask and the answer is yes."

She took a hesitant step forward and grabbed his hands, her thumbs rubbing over his knuckles. "How many?"

"Three," he said quietly. "I remember every one, their faces and names," he answered quietly and licked his lips. "You never want it to turn out that way but sometimes you have to take them down before they can cause more damage. It's never a good feeling to play God."

"I'm sorry," she said quietly.

He dipped his head and captured her lips before standing back up straight, "This is the life I chose and other than a few bad days it's been everything I hoped it would be. Trying to keep people safe and making sure the world Dev grows up in is even just a little bit better is worth, for lack of a better term, some collateral damage."

She gently ran her knuckles down his cheek before glancing back down range, "I want to shoot the AR again, but I might need some help… with my stance."

He grinned mischievously and grabbed her hips, "I think I can help with that."


	14. Not the Best Kept Secret

**Title: Not the Best Kept Secret**

**Summary: Something's changed between Castle and Beckett and Ryan is determined to find out what. Takes place shortly before Ryan and Alexis get married.**

**Genre: General/Humor**

**Characters: Ryan**

* * *

"No way bro."

Ryan shook his head in disbelief, "Really? You seriously don't think so? I mean something has definitely changed."

"There's no way they're together. I would have noticed," Esposito responded as he took a sip of his coffee from his favorite mug on the homicide floor.

"I swear something's different. Just watch them."

The pair sat quietly and watched Castle and Beckett make coffee in the break room, the blinds slightly blocking their view but not entirely. Beckett's thin hand grabbed a sugar packet while Castle's reached for cream, both smiling when their hands accidentally bumped. "See!" Ryan whispered excitedly. "They just touched making coffee, they're totally together."

Javier looked at him in disbelief, "We touch when we make coffee, does that mean we're together?"

Ryan slowly turned and met his eyes before winking, "If not for Lex I'd take you right here on my desk." He burst out laughing when Esposito pursed his lips and shook his head. "Seriously though, I swear something's different. Look how close they're standing."

With a sigh Esposito leaned his head back, "It doesn't mean anything, we're always that close. Maybe Castle has no concept of personal space like you. You're always touching me, like right now."

Sure enough when he looked down their chairs were so close that their arms were brushing as they continued to sip their coffee. "I only do that with you, you're my brother from another mother." Doubt began to seep into his eyes. "Right? I don't do that with other people… do I?" he wondered.

"No, I'm used to having you under my feet all the time. I've come to terms with the fact my personal bubble includes you. Other people though, that'd be creepy as hell and I'd stop you."

"Thanks for not letting me be creepy Javi."

Esposito grinned behind his coffee cup, "Anytime bro."

The following week Ryan wandered down to the morgue and greeted the medical examiner happily. "Hey Lanie, got anything new for me?"

She smiled easily and looked up from the body she was currently examining, "Not yet honey. Where's your other half?"

"Interrogation with Beckett. Actually speaking of Beckett, have you heard anything about her and Castle?" he asked.

Her eyebrows rose, "No, should I have?" She couldn't help but smirk at Ryan's excited grin, whether they admitted it or not both he and Javier were gossips.

He stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels, "I just feel like something's different but Javi thinks I'm just crazy. I swear though, they're together."

Lanie slipped off her gloves and threw them away with a contemplative expression, "Kate did say she had plans Thursday night, but she wouldn't say with whom. She usually tells me these things."

Ryan's eyes widened as he began to shake from excitement. "Castle said he couldn't watch Dev Thursday night because he had to work on his book. No such thing as coincidences. I can't believe they're lying to us."

"Not lying, omitting."

"Lying by omission," he countered. His phone beeped and he quickly pulled it out and read the text from his partner, "They're done, I've got to get back upstairs. Bye Lanie." He was almost out the door when Lanie called to him.

"Ryan, you hear anything I want to be the first to know."

He giggled, honest to God giggled, and nodded. "Done."

Friday morning Ryan walked off the elevator into the precinct and noticed Beckett leaning against the edge of her desk looking over the murder board. "Morning Beckett."

She waved distractedly before she tapped her chin in thought and didn't even look over at him when he sat down next to her. "What time did you get here?"

"Six," she answered instantly.

He crossed his feet at his ankles and stuck his hands in the pockets of his grey slacks. "Wow that's early. Did you come straight from Castle's?"

She whipped around and glared at Ryan who was looking at her innocently, a smidgen of amusement dancing in his azure eyes. "Smooth Ryan."

"Sooo is that a yes? Or a no?" he asked slowly.

His only answer was a harder glare.

Two weeks later Ryan, Alexis, and Devlin all exited the elevator on Castle's floor and began to make their way down the hallway towards his apartment. Devlin giggled happily as they swung him back and forth in between them until they arrived at the door. Alexis grasped the handle and entered her father's home but everyone froze as soon as they stepped inside.

Right in front of them, standing in the living room, were Castle and Beckett. Kissing. Quite passionately.

Devlin stayed silent but began to smile as he realized the implications of what was happening and Alexis could only watch in shock as they pulled apart and Kate laughed softly at whatever Castle was whispering to her. They stayed standing closely, hands wrapped loosely around each other as Beckett tipped her head up for another kiss.

"I knew it!" Ryan shouted victoriously as he pointed to the startled and blushing pair who looked at him owlishly with mouths agape. "Who's the best detective at the 12th?" he asked before pointing to himself with his thumbs. "This guy!"

Beckett dropped her face into her hands before sucking in a deep breath and looking up at Castle who was trying to act like he hadn't just been making out with the woman he had been pining for for years. "Hey guys, you're early," he said with an unsure smile.

Alexis grinned widely and tapped her wristwatch with her finger; "Actually we're a little late for dinner. It's after seven."

Ryan couldn't stop smiling smugly, his expression beginning to make Beckett nervous. "Ryan, you can't tell anyone. If this gets back to the captain…"

"It won't," he assured her. "You eating dinner with us?"

He seemed to be letting her off the hook and for that she was thankful. With a nod she smiled, "Thanks Kevin."

Ryan watched everyone walk to the kitchen happily before whipping out his phone and dialing quickly. "Hello, Lanie? I was totally right."


	15. Thanksgiving

**Title: Thanksgiving**

**Summary: Ryan, Alexis, Devlin, Castle, and Beckett decide to accept the invitation to attend the Ryan's Thanksgiving. Takes place a short time after Ryan and Alexis get married.**

**Genre: Family**

**Characters: Ryan**

* * *

Ryan pulled into the driveway and glanced behind him at Castle's car before climbing out and stretching his back. It had been a long drive with his pregnant wife needing to stop every little bit to use the restroom and walk around to help blood flow to her feet and legs. While no one really cared how long it took it had made for a very long morning.

"Wow Ryan, this is beautiful," Beckett commented. "I wish my dad had decided to come with us."

Castle grabbed the suitcase from the trunk and nodded. "Mother too. Too bad Jim wanted to spend it with his brother and Mother decided to go to Hawaii."

Once everyone had their belongings they began to walk across the lawn to the large ranch style home. Ava suddenly burst through the door and ran outside screaming like a maniac and intercepted Ryan in the middle of the yard. Striking a superhero pose she held out her fist and waited for Ryan to touch her knuckles which he did with a small smile. "Wonder twin powers activate! Form of…"

"A brat," he finished dryly.

"Done!" she shouted and proceeded to knock him down and tickle him.

He giggled hysterically as he tried to get away and eventually he shoved her and tried to stand only to have her grab his leg out from under him and pull him back down again. "Stop it you jerk. Who else is here?"

"Jules and Lydi, Aunt Bella – who dear God steer clear of her if you value your life, she's been drinking since eight this morning-, and all you people. Leah's on her way, I guess the baby vomited in the car so Seth is dealing with that. Every time I talk to her all it does is reaffirm my decision to never have kids."

Ryan smiled, "They're not that bad."

"Don't start, you're having another therefore your opinion in biased. I brought my new boyfriend; he's inside trying to not have an aneurysm. He's never hung out with an Irish family before. If he can handle this I might consider keeping him."

Castle and Beckett approached the pair still lying in the grass while Alexis and Devlin started to make their way up to the house. "Nice to see you again Ava," Castle said pleasantly.

She jumped up and smiled brightly, "You too! I'm glad you guys came, I think mom about died when she found out you two were together."

Beckett's eyes slid to Ryan who shrugged, "You two are more obvious than you think, they'd just find out anyways." Conceding that the words were true they all entered the rambunctious house and Castle could only smile at little kids screaming and dogs barking while woman laughed hysterically and men sat drinking. It was everything he had hoped for and more. According to Ryan the attendees this year included: Lila and Patrick and their three german shepards, Lila's sister Bella and her two pomeranians, Leah and her husband Seth and their three children, Lydia and her husband and their two children and yellow lab, Julie and her husband and their child, Ava and her boyfriend and her two bulldogs, Ryan and Alexis and Devlin, and to top it off Castle and Beckett. To sum it all up, _a lot_ of people and animals.

As soon as someone noticed them once they entered the house everyone ran over and quickly introduced themselves excitedly. Ryan, Alexis, and Dev used the distraction to sneak by and enter the kitchen where Lila ran over and hugged her son. "Oh my baby you're here!" Her gaze quickly moved to the next person and smiled warmly at Alexis, "Honey you look beautiful! Kevin said things have been making you nauseas lately so I made sure to get ginger ale. I had to hide it behind the vegetables because everyone keeps trying to add alcohol to it. I swear everyone in the family drinks like a fish."

Alexis hugged her tightly and pulled back with a smile, "Thank you Lila."

"And you!" Lila said as she looked at Devlin. "You are getting too big and now that you're so big you have to help me in the kitchen. First thing I want you to do is taste the pie I made, tell me if it's good or not."

"If you say so Móraí," Dev answered with a giggle.

"You must."

Ryan glanced around a little nervously and his mother pointed to the back door after guessing what caused his mood change. "They're outside if you want to see them and they're just as nervous as you are. Go on, go see them."

Ryan met his wife's eyes and kissed her cheek before exiting the house and walking out onto the porch where Julie and Lydia were seated at the table underneath a large umbrella talking. Lydia was facing him and when recognition set in she stood and nudged Julie who did the same. As soon as Ryan hugged her she broke down crying and he laughed when Julie shouldered her way into the hug too. The family was finally whole again and the thought made him have to fight tears of his own. "I wasn't sure I'd ever get to see my baby brother again," Lydia sobbed into his shoulder.

He kissed the side of her head and hugged her closer, "I'm sorry Lydi. For everything."

"Don't," Julie warned. "We're not talking about any of it, we're just glad you're here. You didn't get much taller after we saw you last."

Thankful for some humor that he could latch onto he mock glared, "Good things come in small packages."

"Is that how you convinced your wife to marry you?" Ava said from behind him.

Ryan kissed both his sister's cheeks before turning to face the sister that just wouldn't quit. "No I tricked her with Dev, sometimes I have to be creative."

"At least you're honest."

A short time later almost everyone was in the massive back yard, the weather just too wonderful to ignore. Most of the girls were wandering in and out of the house and kitchen all while trying to keep an eye on their children.

Beckett and Alexis watched Ryan, Devlin, and Castle all play in and around the massive oak tree in the back yard with smiles on their faces. Beckett began to laugh when Ryan hung upside down on a branch and made faces and waved happily at the pair, all the while trying to keep his transformers t-shirt from falling over his face. Even at thirty-two he still wasn't quite ready to grow up, which wasn't too bad when compared to Castle who still wasn't ready at forty-two. Alexis's eyes widened when she noticed Leah sneaking up behind him and covered her mouth in concern when she tickled him and he fell from the tree into the bushes.

Seth walked up behind him and picked Ryan up like he was nothing and dusted him off, "Good as new."

"Thanks Seth, you're wife's kind of mean."

Leah pulled him into a hug and planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek, "I love you too Booger."

"Don't call me that!" he whispered as his eyes looked around. "If Castle hears that I'll never hear the end of it."

She began to laugh, "If you think that's the worst thing he'll hear you are sadly mistaken. Ma just intercepted him and who knows what she's saying."

His eyes widened as he quickly glanced around before noticing his mother and Castle laughing. "Shit, I have to go."

Later in the day Castle was gazing curiously at all the pictures on the walls, an amused smile on his lips at the out of control bunch. He turned when he felt a presence next to him and nodded in greeting at Ryan's father. "Your house is beautiful, I was just admiring all the family pictures."

"Thank you," he replied with a small smile. "The kids are the life and death of me."

Continuing their light conversation they began to move through the house. Patrick and Castle turned the corner but the older man held out an arm and stopped their progress. Castle frowned in confusion before noticing Ryan and Alexis standing at the end of the hallway locked in a lazy kiss. Her back was pressed to the wall with her arms around her husband's neck, Ryan pushed against her with his hands placed lovingly on the sides of her pregnant belly.

Patrick tugged Castle away and smiled, "They'll be together forever. The way he looks at your daughter is the same way I've looked at my wife for the last forty years. You excited to be a grandfather?"

Castle smiled happily, "I didn't expect it to happen right now with Alexis being so young but I'm happy."

"She's not that young," Patrick said with a wave of his hand. "Lila had Leah when she was twenty-one. Then all the others came."

Castle nodded, "After Ryan you decided no more?"

"Kevin was an accident." It was said so calmly that Castle almost misunderstood him. Seeing the writers expression he nodded, "Lila got pregnant with Kevin when Ava was only three months old, he definitely wasn't planned. Doesn't mean we loved him any less he was just a surprise. I was so happy to finally have a boy to carry on the Ryan name but he grew up… different than I thought he would."

"Different how?" Castle wondered.

Patrick shrugged, "Just not as… tough as I wanted him to be. We Ryan's are a strong bunch and he just wasn't."

Castle instantly turned to face him better and waited until he had his full attention. "Ryan's one of the strongest and toughest people I know. He never complains even when he's waist deep in a dumpster searching for a victims wallet or when Kate's had him running around for over twenty-four hours straight. I didn't see it but after Lockwood got him… he's a strong person."

Patrick frowned, "Who's Lockwood?"

He grimaced instantly, "Oh, he didn't tell you about that. I don't really know if I should…"

"Tell me."

With a sigh he glanced around and made sure they were alone, "Without getting really deeply into it Ryan and his partner Esposito were caught by one of our murder suspects. They tortured them; Ryan got the worst of it. When we found them Lockwood was just about to shoot out Ryan's kneecap. They found quite a bit of ice water in his lungs from them holding him under until he had to breathe, he never got pneumonia by some miracle but he was treated for hypothermia."

Patrick could only stare as concern for his son warred with pride at his ability to survive. "I had no idea. He told us about him getting shot."

Castle was silent for a moment before finally nodded, "I'll never forget that as long as I live. It was… it's been two years and I still don't like to think about it. He's been through a lot, especially with Jenny dying and raising Devlin on his own."

"It was a stroke right?"

"Yeah. Ryan kept it together the entire time through everything and kept working and taking care of Devlin. You should be proud to have him as a son, there's not a lot of people out there like Ryan. I feel honored that he's with Alexis."

Patrick just nodded quietly and Castle and he went their separate ways, both men feeling like they just learned something very important.

As the afternoon continued Ryan found himself in the kitchen stealing food while Alexis sat outside with her father watching Devlin and Kate swing on the swing set. His phone began to ring and after grabbing one more roll he answered it, "Hey Javi, how's the family?"

_"You know I hate it when you eat and talk on the phone but it's going great, Lanie on the other hand not so much. If I don't come back you know where to look for my body. How's it going for you, everything you hoped for?"_

"Yeah, going pretty well if I must say. So what's up?"

"_Sorry to bug you on Thanksgiving but could I talk to Dev for a sec? My nephew's birthday is next week and I was going to step out and grab something for him but I have no idea what."_

"Hang on bro." He held the phone out and shouted for Dev who came flying inside and around the corner. "Uncle Javi wants to talk to you."

Dev smiled brightly and ran over to grab the phone, "¿Hola?" He listened intently and offered his opinion, in Spanish no less before smiling brightly and ending the call with, "Adiós tío Javi. Voy a decirle a Beckett que llamar a Lanie."

After handing his dad back his phone he looked around and after finding Beckett again ran over to her. Ryan noticed Julie's god smacked expression as he slid his phone back in his pocket. "Cool huh? He speaks Irish too."

"Your seven year old son is tri-lingual?"

He grinned, "Yup, don't be jealous."

"Picture time!" Lila suddenly shouted and one by one everyone in the family made their way to the living room. Castle of course knew he needed to see this because it was the only time the entire family seemed to be in one place. He couldn't help but laugh at the sight of Ryan with his four sisters on the couch while Lila tried to take a picture. Leah was seated calmly at one end next to Lydia who was trying not to laugh, Julie was seated on the other end rolling her eyes and in the middle Ryan and Ava were trying to piss each other off.

"Ma," Julie started. "Why are those two sitting next to each other?"

Ryan yelped when Ava pulled his hair and tried to shove her away which would have worked if she wasn't already climbing on top of him and trying to wrestle him to the ground. "Ava, stop it! I… ow! Leah make her stop!"

Lila sighed heavily and just took the picture anyway, three of her girls smiling brightly while Ava shoved her hand into Ryan's face and Ryan yanked her head back by her hair. Castle had a strong feeling that the picture perfectly captured them as they had been growing up.

"Kevin and his girls," Seth commented fondly when he appeared next to the writer.

"So how long have you known Ryan?"

Seth's brow scrunched as he thought about it, "Since he was… thirteen I think? Thirteen or fourteen. Leah and I got married when he was sixteen."

Castle glanced around and slyly tried to figure out what the deal was with Ryan and his family, "Has he changed much?"

"Nope. Almost the exact same as he always was. I'm just glad he got it together, everyone really missed him. Hell, Patrick and I were surprised he was even alive after the last time we saw him but we'd never say that to the girls."

His poker face came in handy because if he showed confusion or surprise it would give away the fact he didn't know what he was talking about. "That bad huh?" seemed like a safe response.

Seth nodded, "He was so strung out his muscles wouldn't stop twitching, then we just sent him away with no regard that he was driving like that. We handled it horribly, thank God nothing happened to him because we all would have felt responsible."

"Drugs?" he blurted out in shock before he could stop himself.

Seth's eyes widened as he met his eyes, "You didn't know did you? Wow, um. Well, I best be going to the… kitchen."

As the sun dropped in the sky everyone made their way to the table and Castle just shook his head at all the people they managed to squeeze in. Patrick sat at the head of the table and said the prayer, everyone so silent you could hear a pin drop. While he knew Ryan was Catholic he didn't think he was overly religious yet he could tell that it wasn't something to be ignored or disrespected in this household. When it was done it was like the gates opened. Everyone began grabbing everything and passing things, filling their plates to the brim with every food you could imagine.

Once everyone settled the stories began and Alexis paid close attention, eager to learn more about her spouse's childhood.

Ryan began to laugh when Julie stopped speaking and pointed to Ava with his fork. "Remember when you 'came out' your senior year?"

"I thought I was gay!" she argued. At the amusement dancing in his eyes and smothered laughs she crossed her arms, "Remember when you informed us you were going to play professional basketball?"

"I was eleven! I had dreams before you crushed them."

"Right," she said with an eye roll. "Because I was the one that had to break it to you that four-foot Kevin wasn't going to be the next Michael Jordan. Just call me Ava, crusher of dreams and bringer of obvious truths."

Leah laughed, "Ok I've got one, Seth's first Thanksgiving with us."

Everyone began to laugh and at Alexis's confused expression Lila explained. "It was just so bad. The dog knocked the potatoes off the table and all over him and he was too large to borrow any clothes so he had to spend the day dressed in a bath robe. Then Kevin kept glaring at him all day because he didn't like him then to top it off I wasn't aware he was allergic to nuts and when he ate desert he swelled up like a balloon."

"Fun times," Seth said dryly as everyone laughed hysterically. "I considered it an initiation. What about you Rick, any good stories?"

Alexis looked up with wide eyes and shook her head but her father was already talking. "Best one by far, one I'll never forget was when Alexis was five. She wanted to help cook and when I wasn't paying attention she stuffed all these things into the turkey before I put it in the oven. Everything laid out on the table and I cut into the bird to find the melted tv remote, a spoon, and an entire bag of vegetables still in the plastic."

Ryan laughed at the story, elbowing his wife teasingly as he took a bite of turkey. With a grin she looked at Lila, "So Ryan got attacked by a turkey?"

Patrick began to laugh, and as the tears began rolling down his face he shook his head. "I can't… I just," he tried to say around his laughter. "You tell her," he said as he squeezed his wife's arm.

Lila looked at Ryan sympathetically, "We went to a petting zoo and for some reason that turkey just had it out for him. He didn't get hurt but we couldn't get the damn thing off of him and Pat was no help, all he was doing was laughing. Come to find out later Ava had stuck treats in all his pockets."

Ava smiled cheekily at Ryan who was just glaring. "You realize you scarred me for life right?"

"It was payback for popping all my dolls heads off. Barbie did not look better without a head."

"I beg to differ."

Inside the Ryan household their was a definite hierarchy so when the meal was finished the women jumped up to clear the table while the men all wandered off. Ryan had at least offered to help but his sisters had shooed him away so with a shrug he made his way to the front porch swing to watch the sunset.

Ryan stared out at the empty road in front of the house and stretched out his arms over the back of the swing as he allowed his eyes to slide shut. A few minutes later he listened to the door open and close and opened his eyes when he felt someone sit down next to him. To his surprise it was Beckett. He instantly began to sit up straighter and pull his arms back but she stopped him.

"You look comfortable, you don't have to move."

He nodded and relaxed again, Beckett's hair tickling his arm as she leaned back. "What's up boss?"

She laughed softly, "You know I'm not your boss anymore. You and Espo are the same rank."

"Doesn't matter," he said with a small smile. "You'll always be the boss, Javi will always be the enforcer, and I'll always be the rookie. We've all been together too long for it to change."

She couldn't argue with that. "Eight years Ryan, can you believe it? We've been together for eight years."

"We're lucky," he said honestly. "Not only do we work well together but no one's been transferred or worse."

The pair descended into silence for a few minutes until Ryan began to rock the bench back and forth. "How's things with Castle?"

She bit her lip and shrugged a little, "Things are… fine."

He instantly arched a brow and looked over, "Fine? That's it? After working together for years and years and fighting so much sexual tension Javi and I couldn't even breath most days it's just… fine?"

Showing the vulnerability she always hid at work she leaned into his side and laid her head on his shoulder. It wasn't often they spoke privately or touched but after eight years of working together they were just as close as any siblings could be. "I think in my mind it was so much more exciting and then when it finally happened it wasn't as... I don't know."

"I get it," he said instantly. "Sometimes the anticipation makes the actual event seem less exciting. Although I can't imagine life with Castle could be boring."

Both laughed and Beckett shook her head, "Definitely not boring."

"Don't give up Kate, it'll get better. I think both of you have worked towards this for so long that now that it happened neither knows what to do with it," he offered. "It'll get better."

"Growing up I always wanted brothers," she said quietly after she digested his words.

Ryan grinned, "Did you ever think you'd end up with an Irish and a Puerto Rican one?"

Laughter bubbled out of her, "No I did not, but I think I got pretty lucky." She looked over when the door opened revealing Alexis and smiled in greeting. "Thanks Kevin," she said quietly before squeezing his knee and walking back into the house.

Alexis watched her before walking over and taking her previous spot. "What were you and Kate talking about?"

At her tone he frowned before smiling in disbelief, "Are you jealous of Beckett?"

"What? No!" she snapped before sighing. "Maybe a little. I don't like her to touch you. She's so gorgeous and I'm chubby."

He began to laugh a little and pulled her close, "First off, you don't have anything to ever be jealous about. You are the most beautiful, intelligent, giving person I know and I thank God everyday that you're in my life. Secondly, you're not chubby you're pregnant. Only you can manage to look completely adorable and sexy carrying our baby. Lastly, Beckett's not a threat."

Alexis felt a little better but she still had a small stress line in her forehead, "Did you and Beckett ever…"

"No," he answered in amusement. "When I transferred I definitely took notice of Beckett, I'd have to be blind to not notice her, but she was my boss and she always viewed me as more of a pesky little brother. Javi on the other hand…"

"No way," she said with a grin.

"No one will confirm it but I'm pretty sure they had a few hot nights together before I got there. Guess we'll never know."

They continued to sit on the front porch swing, Ryan rubbing her feet while a soft breeze blew across their faces. "It's so beautiful here. I wish we could have a house."

Ryan nodded, "Me too but with the apartment's proximity to the precinct and my salary…"

"I know. Nice to dream though."

He turned and smiled at how beautiful she looked with her hair slipping across her skin. "How about this? I promise you we will have a house someday, just like this. You'll have the wrap around porch and the bay windows and anything else your heart desires."

"You promise?"

"I promise that if you're patient with me I will give you everything you could ever want."

She sighed contently before grabbing his hand and pressing it to her stomach. Ryan grinned when he felt movement, "She's kicking."

"She?"

He nodded, "It'll be a girl, you'll see."

She shook her head fondly and felt her eyes start to slide shut. Forcing herself to stay awake she stood and kissed his forehead. "I'm going to go lie down, love you."

"I love you too."

He chose to stay on the porch and enjoy the quiet solitude, it not lasting too long when Castle decided to join him. Apparently he was quite popular today. Castle plopped down next to Ryan and handed him a beer before opening his own, "Ryan can I ask you something personal."

"If I say no you will anyway so have at it," he responded with a grin as he twisted the top off the drink.

The writer turned a little to face him more, "Did you use to use drugs?"

"Wasn't expecting that," he said with a raise to his eyebrows but no embarrassment or anger. Alexis had at long last taught him to move on from the past and he had finally embraced the fact he couldn't change it and shouldn't shy away from it. His drug use was a part of him and had helped shape him into the man he was today. "I was a heavy cocaine user for two years. Who told you?"

"Seth. Is that why you stopped speaking to your family?"

Ryan nodded once and took a pull from the bottle in his grasp, "Getting a little too personal Castle. Here's not the place to talk about certain things."

"Sorry. You've been clean since I've met you right?"

"Yeah," he said with a nod. "It was right when I transferred out of narcotics I stopped. Long before you and Alexis came along."

They descended into a comfortable silence until Castle pressed on. "Why didn't you tell me? Does Beckett know?"

"No but I'd be surprised if it doesn't get to her one way or another. I didn't tell you because I was afraid it would influence our professional and now personal relationship. People don't like to work with addicts, even if they don't use anymore. People with addictions are often viewed as weak and untrustworthy. Can you honestly say you wouldn't have thought differently about me?"

"You're right, it probably would have changed my opinion."

"Does it now?" he asked a little softer than his regular tone.

Castle instantly shook his head, "Not in the slightest, it just makes you more interesting. I'm determined to get a full background on all of you even though none of you are making it easy."

Ryan let out a laugh and pointed to him with his beer bottle, "So what else have my blabber mouth relatives told you?"

"Not much… Booger."


	16. Glitter Bomb

**Title: Glitter Bomb**

**Summary: In the harsh light of day the boys try to figure out what happened during Ryan's bachelor party. Takes place a week before Ryan and Alexis get married. Crack-fic.**

**Genre: Humor**

**Characters: Ryan, Esposito, Castle**

* * *

Alexis walked nervously down the hallway to her father's apartment and scooted past a woman shaking her head angrily while picking up cereal off the floor. While she had a quiet spa day and evening with the girls Ryan had been taken out with Castle and Esposito to who knows where for his bachelor party. She trusted him, that wasn't an issue, but fear of the unknown crept in the closer they got to the apartment. When she pushed the key into the lock she took a deep breath trying to prepare herself for whatever may lay on the other side of the heavy wood.

Alexis, Beckett, and Lanie all entered the apartment before coming to an abrupt halt when they looked around. The apartment was a complete and total wreck, it looked like a frat party exploded sometime during the night. Pillows were scattered everywhere along with most of Castle's toys and gadgets. A tie was swinging idly from the ceiling fan while the tv droned on in an infomercial. Books were off their shelves and food was on every available surface along with numerous empty bottles of liquor. Abba, oddly enough, was playing from a stereo somewhere in the apartment and most of Martha's costumes seemed to be somewhere on the floor.

Castle was asleep on top of the table dressed in boxers, an undershirt, and a pink feathered boa that Alexis recognized as her grandmother's. Esposito was on the couch would only contained two cushions dressed in only his boxers and clutching a red PS3 remote to his chest and Ryan was on the floor half on the missing couch cushion with his face smashed against the rug underneath the coffee table and dressed in his boxers and one orange and black striped sock.

It was amazing how different yet how similar the three men were. Physically the differences were obvious, Castle was by far the tallest and more husky than the other two while Esposito was definitely in the best shape and had the bronzed skin the other two lacked, and Ryan was the shortest and leanest with his jutting shoulder blades. Personality wise they were also different with Castle's extreme excitability and Esposito's strong and silent type to Ryan's quiet and thoughtful. One would never think they would get along so well yet here they were after an obviously good night.

"What in the world?" Beckett mumbled and Lanie began to laugh when she noticed that for some reason her boyfriend and Ryan were covered in red glitter.

"Up and at 'em boys!" Lanie shouted.

Castle just snorted and rolled onto his stomach while Esposito groaned and threw his arm over his eyes. Ryan however blinked a few times and sat up before rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palms and yawning. When he finally noticed his lack of clothing and his female audience he grabbed the cushion and held it up to help preserve his modesty. "Where are my clothes?"

Taking pity on him Alexis walked forward and grabbed a shirt hanging off of the book shelf and handed it to him. A quick look at the label revealed an _M_, at least it was his shirt. He quickly pulled it over his head and pulled off the one sock before holding it up and eventually flinging it away. "And whose sock is this? What time is it?"

"Why are you talking so much?" Esposito mumbled. "I feel like my head is going to explode. Just because you don't get hangovers doesn't mean I'm not in pain."

"Suck it up Javi," Lanie said with a grin as she walked over and sat next to him, her eyes raking over his muscular and glitter covered torso. "And this glitter better not be from some stripper named Cherry."

Ryan frowned in confusion and rubbed his hand through his hair which immediately sent bright red sparkles into the air. "Glitter? God what the hell happened last night? I knew I shouldn't have let Castle buy the drinks."

"It's not my fault," the writer mumbled as Beckett walked over and helped him off the table and into a chair. "The bartender said something about bastards…"

Esposito's eyes bugged, "Is that what those were? I'm lucky I still have a liver. Now who remembers what we did last night?"

Ryan looked around for his pants before finally giving up and just swallowing his pride and modesty and standing. After grabbing a slice of cold pizza off the table and taking a bite he stared at the wall in thought. "We started at that club Castle brought us to and met that guy."

"Emilio!" Castle said exaggeratedly.

"Oh yeah," Ryan said with a smile and a laugh. "We were there for a _long _time. Then we went somewhere…"

Everyone sat quietly until Castle mumbled, "Breakfast and coffee. And painkillers." Castle and Esposito made their way to the kitchen with their girlfriends while Ryan stayed behind with his fiancée. As soon as they were alone he kissed her softly and ran his hand over her barely rounded stomach.

"I missed you last night."

Alexis accepted his offered hug and melted into him, "I missed you too. So last night, were there women involved?"

He smiled gently, "You know me better than that. Javi and I may be covered in glitter but I don't think it came from any women. Come on let's go eat because this pizza is just not cutting it."

When they got to the kitchen Castle shook his head at Ryan's smiling face. "Why on God's green Earth are you so happy? Could you at least try to show respect for those of us that are dying?"

Alexis looked at him in alarm but he simply shrugged and played it cool. "Just a good day. Ok so after the club then what happened?"

Castle rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Uh… we went to get something to eat."

Esposito nodded, "At that little place on 16th. That's where the glitter came from! That girl!"

"What girl?" Lanie asked as she crossed her arms.

Ryan grinned, "She was awesome, totally out in left field crazy. She had to be early twenties and she blessed us with 'fairy dust'. Castle ran away before he got glitter bombed like Javi and I."

Esposito laughed softly. "Said her name was Super Nova. Had on wings and everything and after the 'blessing' she proceeded to challenge us to a cartwheel race. Ry won."

"That's why I got the grand prize. A coupon for a free ice cream," he exclaimed excitedly. "I stuck it in my pants, which are missing for some reason."

Beckett laughed and looked at her boyfriend, "And where were you?"

"Who do you think was judging this contest? Ryan had great form despite being intoxicated enough that his tie was wrapped around his forehead like Rambo."

Alexis opened the fridge and pulled out a shirt which she didn't recognize. "Whose is this?" Esposito held up his hand and she tossed the cold object over to him before beginning to make eggs and toast. "Then what happened Mr. Rambo?"

Ryan looked at his partner. "I get pretty fuzzy after that. I just remember playing Madden and Castle doing a victory dance that involved Martha's boa."

All three were quiet until Esposito snapped his fingers, "Castle hustled a guy out of a watch, traded him Ryan's coupon for the watch." Everyone immediately looked at the writer's wrist where indeed there was a shiny new timepiece staring up at him. "I can't remember what you were saying to him but whatever it was it must have worked."

Castle just continued staring at it for a few seconds. "Huh. Moving on."

Esposito rubbed his temples, "Then we... played laser tag and the loser of every round had to take off a piece of clothing." At Beckett's arched brow he shrugged, "When guys drink we usually end up missing clothes. It's just a fact."

Castle and Ryan agreed with serious nods as Alexis handed everyone a plate with a cup of coffee. "May I ask why there's Lucky Charms everywhere? Including in your hair?" she asked as she picked out a rainbow marshmallow.

Esposito began to laugh and pointed to his partner. "I remember that! I dared you to run down the hallway in your boxers throwing Lucky Charms and shouting 'they're after my pot of gold'."

Ryan could only sit slack jawed as a blush crept up from his neck to his cheeks. "Please tell me there are no pictures."

Castle began to chuckle as the memory returned to him, "If we can find the camera I'll let you know."

"Anything else we should know about?" Lanie asked.

All three men looked at each other and shook their heads, "Nothing we can think of."

"You're sure?" Beckett asked.

Castle nodded, "Pretty sure."

All three woman just nodded while hiding small smiles.

"What?" Ryan asked suspiciously.

Lanie smiled patiently at him before looking at her boyfriend, "Honey do your ribs feel a little sore?"

Esposito rubbed his side, "Now that you mention it yeah."

Ryan looked over and began to laugh hysterically but stopped instantly when he noticed his side was hurting too. "No way. No way in hell. Oh my God." With a jerk to his shirt he stared down at his side as best he could at the brand new tattoo.

Esposito began to laugh as he pointed, "Is that a Lego Stormtrooper?"

Ryan stared at the upside down design wishing he had a mirror. "I believe it is and stop laughing. Yours is the outline of Darth Vader."

Beckett quickly lifted Castle's shirt and shook her head, "Boba Fett. Nice. You do realize you three will never get to hang out alone without supervision again right?"

Alexis approached Ryan and grinned as her hand slid over the design about as big as his palm, "At least the tattoos match all your personalities to a certain extent. Dev will love this and it's pretty adorable." After kissing his cheek she pulled down his shirt and grinned. "Best night ever?"

All three men answered instantaneously. "Totally."


	17. Secrets and Sidekicks

**Title: Secrets and Sidekicks**

**Summary: After the wedding Ryan and Alexis share the good news with their family and friends. (I know some of you wanted me to write the wedding but I'm going to pass, I struggle with not making wedding chapters boring.)**

**Genre: Friendship/Family**

**Characters: Ryan, Castle**

* * *

Everyone sat around lazily as night descended upon them, bow ties and high heels long ago discarded. Since it had been small and intimate no one really left after the reception, everyone unwilling to end the day. It was too bad it was such a rarity to have everyone here together but with hectic schedules they had to take what they could get. The only person missing from the group it seemed was Devlin who had fallen asleep on Castle almost an hour ago before Ryan had taken him inside and tucked him in.

Ryan's eyes drifted around to Paige and Taylor, Castle and Beckett, Patrick and Lila and Ava, and last but certainly not least Lanie and Esposito who were seated next to him. "Yo, you listening to me?"

He turned and smiled fondly at his obviously intoxicated partner. "Yeah bro, I'm listening." His lids slid shut as a relaxed smile spread across his lips. Today had been perfect; it honestly couldn't have gone any better than it had. There were no hiccups, no issues, no nothing. Everyone that had been invited came with the exception of a few of Ryan's sisters but that was to be expected, not like they could drop everything and run to a wedding for a brother they hardly knew anymore.

"Next time you try to tell me something I'm ignoring you," Esposito informed him. "Are you even awake?"

He couldn't help the soft chuckle that bubbled out of him, "I'm sorry I'm just really buzzed and really relaxed. Plus I don't even know what you're talking about anymore. How much have you had to drink Javi?"

The dark-skinned man stared down at his almost empty bottle of beer before looking at Lanie and eventually back to Ryan, "That… doesn't matter. Shut up."

When he noticed his wife making her way over to him he smiled gently, she was so stunning and completely his. It was a privilege to just know her but now being married? Icing on the cake didn't even begin to describe it. When she approached him she handed him another bottle of dark beer and sat down in a chair next to him, their fingers automatically entwining when their hands touched.

"What's wrong chica? Don't like dark beer?" Esposito asked casually when he saw that not only did she not have a bottle in her hand but appeared much too sober compared to everyone else. "You better catch up, you're not drunk enough."

She cast a nervous glance to her brand new husband who squeezed her hand in reassurance before she shrugged casually. "No drinking for me tonight."

"Why not?" Taylor asked curiously.

With a steadying breath she forced herself to not tremble and looked at her dad. "You're not supposed to drink when you're pregnant."

The silence that followed was so comical that Ryan couldn't help but snort and giggle goofily, the laugh finally popping Paige out of her stunned silence. She screamed before anyone else could even react and launched out of her chair to hug Alexis tightly. "Oh my God! I'm going to be an Aunt! I've waited for this moment for so long!"

Esposito finally shook himself out of his stupor and grinned at his smiling best friend, "Seriously bro?" At Ryan's nod he leaned forward and jerked him into a rough hug. "Awesome."

When Paige stepped away and after Taylor gave her congratulations Alexis just stared at her father and when a silent tear slid down his cheek she instantly walked over and dropped down onto his lap. "Are you ok dad?"

He nodded and hugged her close, a choked laugh leaving his lips. "My baby is having a baby. I'm just so happy, and surprised, and Ryan is just so dead."

"What?" Ryan squeaked once Beckett stepped back from hugging him.

He sniffled and nodded, "As soon as she moves I'm going to kill you with my bare hands. Not even Esposito can save you. I suggest you start using those chicken legs to start running."

Ryan let out an awkward laugh until Alexis moved and Castle stood up. Realizing he wasn't joking he tried to get away but found Castle was much quicker than he let on and within a few seconds he was being manhandled across the yard. "Are you ready?" the writer asked darkly.

"For what?" he cried nervously. His answer came a second later when he found himself hitting the cool water in the deep end of the pool. When he finally surfaced and pushed his hair off his forehead he glared up at Castle. "That was mean."

"A little," he said with a grin before sitting down in a chair next to the pool. He glanced around and was pleased to see no one had followed them to the side of the house. He needed a few minutes alone with his new son-in-law. "Congratulations Ryan."

The smallest detective at the 12th pulled himself out of the pool and sat down in a puddle before beginning to discard whatever sopping layers he could. "Thanks Castle. I'm pretty excited."

"I'd go into the whole spiel about being a dad and husband and all those good things but you already know it all. So all I can say is this, keep doing what you're doing. I couldn't have picked anyone better for Alexis." Ryan kicked his feet idly back and forth in the pool and nodded shyly before turning slightly when Castle continued. "It seems like forever ago that I found out about you two, it's amazing how far we've all come in the last two years. Still hard to believe Alexis is _married._ Time goes so fast Ryan, don't ever take anything for granted."

"I am scarily aware of that fact and believe me I don't."

The two men descended into a comfortable silence, the only noise coming from the guests in the back of the house and the sound of water lapping against the edge of the pool.

"That's why you're not going on a honeymoon isn't it?" Castle suddenly said with a snap of his fingers. "I wondered about that when you two said you weren't going to Ireland like you had talked about a few months ago."

The soaked man nodded, "Yeah. We both thought about it and figured I should save my vacation time for when the baby gets here. You know she was pretty nervous to tell you."

"Why?" he questioned.

Ryan hoisted himself up and grimaced at the water pooling in his shoes before walking over and dropping down into a chair next to him with a sloshing noise. "She thought you'd be disappointed in her for some reason, or pissed at me."

Castle pursed his lips a little as he shrugged, "This was of course unexpected but how could I ever be disappointed? She's my little angel, she can't do wrong in my eyes. As for being pissed at you, I'd like to think we moved past that and you're back to being my sidekick."

"_Your_ sidekick?" Ryan said in disbelief. "You're Beckett's sidekick and sidekicks don't get sidekicks. I am not a sidekick."

"You're Esposito's."

"Why isn't Esposito my sidekick?" he argued. At Castle's arched brow he sighed and leaned back in the chair. "Fair enough."


	18. The Artist In The Ambulance

**Title: ****The Artist In The Ambulance**

**Summary: Every once in a while it takes the realization of how fragile life truly is to help keep things in perspective. Takes place roughly two years after Ryan and Alexis get married. The title refers to the song ****_The Artist In The Ambulance_ by Thrice.**

**Genre: Friendship/Hurt/Comfort**

**Characters: Ryan, Alexis, Esposito**

* * *

"Yeah I got it," Esposito said into his cell before snapping it shut and tossing it in between the seats. He made a quick u-turn and looked over to his partner who was unusually quiet today. "Beckett said we need to come back to the precinct." Ryan only nodded. After being partners for the past ten years he was completely in-tuned to Ryan's moods and body language and today, even though he hadn't said a word, he clearly wanted to talk about something that was bothering him. He kept fidgeting and the frequent sighs were getting to the point that Esposito couldn't even reach fifty in his head before another would fill the car. "You ok?" he asked after the silence started to become uncomfortable.

"Yeah."

The silence continued to fill the car until the shrill ring of a cell phone shattered it. Ryan pulled out his phone and huffed in annoyance at the display before holding it up to his ear. "Hello," he answered.

Esposito tuned out the conversation to try to give him some semblance of privacy but as his partner's voice got louder and his words became more halted he chanced a glance. Ryan looked exhausted, something he hadn't noticed until this second for some reason and beyond aggravated.

"No I didn't…. you think I don't know that?... you know what, I can't do this right now. I love you goodbye." After hanging up he clenched the phone in his hand and jerked his fist as if wanting to throw it before he dropped it into the cup holder and rubbed his hands up and down his face.

"Everything uh… ok?" Esposito ventured after watching Ryan silently fume for the last mile.

He offered a shrug before leaning his head back against the seat and staring out the window dejectedly. "No, not really," he finally whispered.

After turning down the radio he nudged him slightly, "What's up?"

"I don't even know," he groaned. "Alexis and I are just going through a really rough patch. Everything just started so well and lately it's just… sucked. I don't even know how to fix it because I don't know what's wrong. We argue all the time."

Esposito flipped on his blinker and merged into a turn lane before waving his hand dismissively. "It'll get better, I mean it only got hard recently."

Ryan snorted, "If by recently you mean the last three months. I can't even talk to her, I dread when she calls, and we haven't had sex in months. I mean I've had dry spells but this is ridiculous. Then she keeps telling me I'm not doing my part with the kids, that I'm getting _lazy._ She even insinuated that I don't care about them. I do everything for those two, and for Alexis. There isn't one thing I do for selfish reasons. Nothing. I'm working almost sixty to eighty hours a week, what more does she want from me?"

His hands tightened on the steering wheel and he shook his head as he blew out a slow breath, "Wow. I didn't realize this had been going on that long. You're not thinking about a divorce are you?"

"No," he said instantly. "I don't believe in it. If she was worth marrying she's worth fighting for but I'm just tired bro. I don't know how to fix it and it's just getting worse. Honestly the reason I'm working so much is I don't even really want to go home at night."

"Huh." He wished he could say more, offer some good advice but he had nothing. It was always the other way around when they spoke, Ryan offering _him_ advice about relationships. "Well you know if I can help or anything just let me know."

"I know bro," he said easily before grabbing his phone and fiddling with it, effectively ending the conversation.

With a weary sigh Esposito shook his head and accelerated towards the precinct. Without warning the car suddenly jerked violently to the left, the sound of screeching tires and twisting metal reaching his ears. Broken shards of glass pelted his skin and an immense pressure pushed at his chest preventing him from pulling in a breath. It felt like hours, like this terrible whirlwind would never end but in reality it was only a few seconds later that the car came to a stop. His heart was pounding so fast that everything around him seemed dull and quiet, the sound of blood rushing through his ears preventing him from hearing anything. Once his eyes snapped open his fight or flight response kicked in and he immediately began looking around trying to get his bearings. They had been in a car accident, a freaking car accident. Someone had t-boned them, but his light had been green so it couldn't be his fault. Right? He shook his head forcing the thought away, that wasn't important right now. What was important was the fact that he seemed just fine save for an overall soreness and some stiffness in his neck. What was important was the fact that whoever had wrecked into them had hit the passenger side where Kevin was sitting. What was important was the fact that Ryan didn't seem to be awake.

"Ry? Ryan. Wake up bro. Kevin!" he commanded harshly. He couldn't tell if he was breathing or not as he hung limply in the seat, his locked seatbelt the only thing keeping him upright. Thank God Ryan was a safety nut and always insisted they both wear their seatbelt because, '_On average there are 18,808 accidents every single day in the United States Javi. That's why you have to buckle up'. _The encyclopedia of random information had struck again and thank goodness he usually listened to him.

"Kevin wake up bro. Please," he pleaded as he tried to wrestle himself out of his seatbelt. His mind couldn't even go to the idea that he might be dead because that was impossible. Ryan was going to live forever, or at least as long as he did. They'd go out like Thelma & Louise, together 'til the end. Or at least that had been the promise one night after one too many beers.

"Ugh."

It wasn't much but he breathed a huge sigh of relief when his partner stirred slightly and groggily lifted his head.

"Javi? The 'ell happened?" Ryan mumbled as he tried to look around.

His attention was torn away from him when a man approached the car and jerked open the door. "An ambulance is on it's way, let's get you out of here. How's your passenger?"

He felt himself being pulled but he jerked away and pushed the man back, "I ain't getting out of this car until he does." Ignoring the flustered man he looked back at Ryan who looked dazed and confused. Noticing some blood on the back of his neck he carefully grabbed his face and turned him slightly where he could see a gash in his hair on his right side where his head must have hit the window. Protectiveness, the special kind he only carried for his partner and Lanie, reared up and he finally freed himself from his seatbelt and grabbed his best friend. "Come on, I'm going to help you scoot over ok?"

Ryan just nodded but when Esposito tried to pull him he cried out in pain and pulled back with a whimper. "Don't touch me, don't move me."

"Where's it hurt Ry? Talk to me," he instructed as he tried to look around for what was wrong. His arms seemed to be free and nothing was touching his torso, legs seemed to be fine but… "_Joder_," he spat when he realized that Ryan's right foot was stuck amongst the twisted metal under the dash. Forcing down the headache that was getting steadily worse he twisted and dropped his head down to try to see if he could wiggle it out, unfortunately he couldn't see anything and he didn't dare move him for fear of hurting him more than he already was. Pulling himself back up he sat in the drivers seat and looked at his partner. "Keep your eyes open, we'll get you out of here soon. How's Erin?"

A ghost of a smile flickered across his lips, "Adorable. Now that she's walking she walks around the apartment in little plastic heels with a purse. She's such a little girl."

Despite the situation Esposito smiled. "I can't believe how big she is already. Last time I was there Dev called me tío Javi then Erin says, 'ti ti'. I'm Uncle Ti Ti now. Just call me Detective Ti Ti."

Ryan let out a soft huff of laughter and lifted his hands and placed them on the crumpled dash before leaning his head on his crossed arms. "Hurts Javi."

He knew that it must be getting to the point of unbearable if he was voicing his pain; Ryan wasn't one to ever complain. The sound of sirens met his ears and he gently placed his hand on his shoulder, "They're here. Any second now you'll be out buddy."

"Good," he sighed as he let his eyes slide closed. When he opened them again he was in a sterile white room feeling extremely relaxed. His eyes drifted over to a lone figure standing by the window staring outside at the skyline which was growing steadily darker. "Lex?"

His wife quickly turned and smiled in relief before walking over and grabbing his hand. "Hey, how're you feeling?"

He took a quick mental note of his extremities and after determining everything was still there he offered a tired smile, "Not bad." When he saw tears beginning to gather in her green eyes he squeezed her hand, "Don't cry. What's wrong?"

She shook her head and let out a harsh breath through her nose. "When dad called I was so scared and it hit me that if you died today, I never told you I loved you. You made a point to tell me even though we were arguing and I never said it back and the more I thought about it the more I realized that everything we argue about is so stupid. I'm so stupid."

"No," he argued lightly. "We're just not working together well for some reason."

"I'm taking you for granted," she said quietly. "I know you work then I expect you to come home and take care of the kids and help with dinner and everything else. You're not bionic but I seem to think you are for some reason, I'm sorry for that."

He met her eyes and just stared for a few seconds before nodding, "Thank you but it's on me too. I know you need a break after being with Erin all day and helping Dev with homework and everything and I have slacked off in my duties lately. I'll try harder ok and from now on let's try to keep sight of the big picture. We're all alive and healthy and there's not really too much more we could ask for."

She flashed him a watery smile, "So we're good again?"

"We're good again," he said with a tiny grin. "So what happened? I know we got hit on our way to the precinct." Guilt flashed in his blue eyes as a horrified expression covered his face. "Oh God, how's Javi?"

"Esposito's fine," she said instantly to alleviate his worry. "His back got compressed or something like that so he's pretty sore but other than some scratches and bruises he's just fine. You got out lucky too, only a cut on your head and a broken ankle."

He sent up a silent prayer that his guardian angel had been watching over him and his partner before staring down at his casted foot. "So what'd they say about the ankle?"

She leaned back and yawned once before answering. "It was a clean break so they only had to put in a couple pins, they said it should heal quickly."

He pulled on her hand slightly and when she was close enough he grabbed her into a hug and kissed her softly. "I love you so much, I'm sorry for everything."

"Me too."

Four weeks later Ryan approached Beckett's desk and waited patiently as he tried to balance himself on his crutches while clutching a file. The papers were tugged from his grasp and he turned to glare at his partner, "I can do that just fine by myself." It was starting to aggravate him how much Esposito was mothering him, it's not like he couldn't handle himself. The captain had thankfully allowed him to come back to work since he was going stir crazy but he was stuck on desk duty for the next two and a half weeks. He wasn't sure if it was much better than just sitting at home.

"You almost fell over," Esposito snapped back.

Before an argument could break out Beckett hung up and grabbed the file. "Thanks Ryan. Castle and I are going to go check this out." As soon as the pair left Ryan made his way back to his desk and laid his crutches down on the floor, his narrowed eyes trained on Esposito the entire time.

"What's your problem?" he bit out once he was seated.

Javier's eyebrows shot up. "_My _problem? You're the one that's being an asshole to anyone that helps you."

"No," he argued. "Only you because you won't even let me walk across the freaking bullpen without trying to carry me. I'm fine."

Instead of firing off an angry retort Esposito sucked in a deep calming breath and counted to ten. "I just don't want you to get hurt again."

"I won't," Ryan argued. "Stop bugging me so much."

"How can I not?" he snapped. "You get tortured, and shot, and in a car accident. You're a disaster."

Understanding hit him full force when he noticed his partner's avoidance of eye contact and the slight tremble in his voice. "You think that's all your fault. Javi, you didn't cause any of that and there's nothing you could have done to stop it."

Embarrassed that he had been found out he held onto his anger and crossed his arms. "Because of what I said you almost lost a kneecap, because I couldn't keep track of _my_ _partner _you got shot, and because I wasn't paying attention in the car you broke your ankle. How is none of that my fault?"

Ryan just looked at him with sad eyes. "You've got to let all that go bro, it's not good to hang onto that guilt. It was Lockwood that tortured us both, not just me. It was Wayne that shot me, and it would have happened had you been there or not and the accident was because that stupid kid was texting and ran the light. You're my partner Javi, 'til the wheel fall off, and you're always there when it counts. I'm thirty-four bro, time to let me grow up," he finished with a grin.

Esposito knew he was right but that didn't mean he had to let Ryan know it. It was his job to protect Ryan, to keep him safe and in one piece. It didn't matter that he was getting older, it didn't matter he was an adult, all the mattered was that as long as his heart was beating he was going to protect Ryan. Yes his protectiveness bordered on unhealthy but he had accepted that years ago and if he hadn't backed off by now he sure wasn't going to in the future. "Whatever bro, I'm getting a coffee."

To anyone else the words could be taken offensively and as a dismissal but to Kevin he knew that Esposito had received the message and even though he doubted anything would change he at least hoped he wouldn't carry around so much guilt. Without a word he held up his empty cup and hid a smile when it was snatched out of his hands with a small grumble.


	19. Jennifer Scout Duffy O'Malley

**Title: ****Jennifer Scout Duffy O'Malley**

**Summary: Ryan recounts some memories of Jenny on their wedding anniversary. Takes place four years after Ryan and Alexis got married.**

**Genre: Hurt/Comfort**

**Characters: Ryan**

* * *

When the alarm began to blare Alexis instantly rolled over and quieted the object before chancing a glance at her still slumbering husband and climbing out of bed carefully. After showering and having a quick bite to eat she kissed Ryan's forehead and let him continue to sleep before grabbing Devlin and Erin and slipping out of the apartment to take him to school, Erin to her dad's apartment, and get herself to work on time at the New York Times. She knew today was a hard day for him, it was every year. Today was his and Jenny's anniversary. It was never her birthday, or the day she died that got to him the most it was always the day they got married. Everyone knew this fact and the Captain was gracious enough to always give him the day off, his phone eerily silent while no one bothered him for a single twenty-four hour period.

Since they had gotten together she tried to be there for him on this day but this year she just couldn't stay home with him. Instead of letting him sit alone with his thoughts all day, which she knew could be dangerous, she pulled out her phone and called on the two people that had been there for them both for the past six years. Paige and Taylor had been a constant in their lives since the time they had both spent the night many years ago. While both had always been there for Alexis they latched onto Ryan tightly and never let go, even when he tried to get them to. They were there for holidays and babysat Dev and Erin to give the couple a night out, they took care of Alexis when she was sick and hung out with Ryan to keep away the boredom when he broke his ankle two years ago. The friendship worked both ways and Ryan and Alexis both had been in Taylor's wedding a few months ago when she married Scott, the man she had been dating on and off for the past three years, and both had attended Paige's graduation when she _finally_ finished her bachelor's degree that was now hanging proudly on her bedroom wall collecting dust and not being used even in the slightest. According to Paige it was the principle of the thing and in true Paige fashion she explained that real men loved an educated woman and she was going to exploit that fact to the fullest.

After a quick knock the pair waited patiently for the door to open and smiled cheerily when it opened to reveal Ryan in jeans and an old t-shirt. He arched a brow but politely greeted them. "Hey girls, Lex isn't here."

"We know, she called us to come over," Paige said bluntly.

He sagged a little at the fact he seemed pathetic enough to need a babysitter and forced a tight smile, "Well I appreciate the gesture but I just want to be alone today."

Taylor slipped past him into the entryway and shook her head, "Sorry, doesn't work like that. We promised Alexis we wouldn't let you chase us away. We'll be on our best behavior." Knowing it was pointless to argue Ryan just nodded dejectedly and walked to the couch before dropping down heavily. Albums were spread out in front of him and the girls sat down on either side of him, Paige carefully grabbing an open one and smiling at the wedding picture. Ryan looked so happy and young. He looked great for thirty-six, hardly any signs of aging visible but when comparing him to his much younger self you could see the small differences. His face had thinned and his laugh lines were slightly deeper but all in all he really didn't look that much different. "She's beautiful," she finally said out loud when her attention shifted to the woman standing next to him.

He just nodded.

A small laugh escaped her when she saw a picture of him and Esposito sometime before the ceremony, the former looking wrecked with nerves while the latter looked mildly amused. "You look like you're going to be sick."

"I felt like it," he said with a small smile as memories filled his mind.

_**September 16**__**th**__**, 2007**_

_Ryan stared into the mirror and fiddled with his navy bow tie trying to tie it, his shaking hands making the task more difficult than it should be. It had been tied and re-tied so many times that the motion was beginning to drive Esposito crazy. "Ry, it's fine. Leave it."_

_He ignored him until a hand on his shoulder forced him away and turned him away from his reflection. "Bro, what are you freaking out for? You're not having second thoughts right?"_

"_What? No!" he replied instantly. "I just… I don't know if I'm ready for this Javi. I mean I'm only twenty-five. This is such a big step and a big responsibility and I'm not the best with that sort of thing. And Jenny, God she's so great. What if I'm being selfish? She deserves better," he finished sadly._

_Esposito just stared before understanding dawned on him. "Don't think like that. You're doing great bro. You're clean and doing great in homicide and you and Jenny are like soul mates. You told her about everything didn't you?" he asked carefully._

_Ryan nodded, "She knows everything good and bad and she's just so good about it all and I just feel so unworthy." When a large palm landed on his shoulder he looked at his partner with wide eyes, the expression oddly childlike._

"_Kevin, you're my partner. I know we haven't known each other a really long time but I'd like to think I know you pretty well. Now I'm only going to say this once and then we're getting away from all this emo chick stuff. Jenny is a lucky woman; you're a great guy Kev. I know you still see the you from a couple years ago in the mirror but you've changed, for the better. Now you are going to march out there and get married because the sooner you do the sooner I can get out of this damn monkey suit," he finished with a small grin._

_Ryan's chest heaved as he sucked in a let out a deep breath and finally smiled. "Yeah, ok. Thanks bro."_

The trio continued to flip through pictures and albums and Taylor giggled at a picture of an even younger Ryan. "Is this right after you two met? Speaking of how did you two meet?"

Ryan felt tears spring to his eyes, even ten years later he still missed her dearly. Seeing his rising emotions Paige hugged him and Taylor backtracked. "You don't have to tell us."

"No, it's alright," he said as he cleared his throat to try to force down the emotions. "It's still hard to talk about her but I like to. I don't ever want to forget her."

Taylor grabbed his arm, "I don't think that's possible."

He offered a weak smile, "We met in a book store, I was buying comics."

_**January 23rd, 2006**_

_Ryan dropped the comics down on the counter not really paying attention and leaned back a little to look at the sweets under the counter before selecting a candy bar and tossing it down too. When he finally looked across the counter he was startled by how beautiful the young blonde cashier was. She smiled politely and looked over the comics with a small smile. He expected her to tease him, to make some joke about him being too old for them but when she opened her mouth something completely unexpected came out._

"_I love graphic novels."_

_Never one that was smooth around the ladies he could only nod and smile goofily._

_Her tiny hand picked up The Amazing Spider-Man #526 and pointed to it with her other hand. "I won't give anything away but this is a good one. Rough but good. Have you read the first five parts?" He could only offer another stunned nod._

_Never in his wildest dreams did he think this woman would be an avid comic reader yet here she was with a knowledge that rivaled his own. When she gave him his total he paid and grabbed them before leaving somewhat dazed. He was almost out of the store when he finally got the courage to turn around and jog back to the woman. "We should go out sometime. I mean, if you wanted. Unless you're with someone. In which case, sorry," he rambled._

_She quirked her head a little and smiled the most brilliant smile he had ever seen. "You don't talk to me at all then want to go on a date?"_

_He blushed and withdrew a little until his head snapped up when she laughed. "Why not. I'm Jenny."_

_Unable to hide his excitement his entire face lit up as he stuck out his hand, "Ry... uh, Kevin."_

"Were you working as a detective then?" Paige wondered.

"Yeah, I had just started at the 12th," he answered before everyone looked over when the door opened revealing an anxious looking Alexis. She seemed to relax when she saw all three on the couch and after dropping her bag on the counter she walked over and slid in next to her husband. "Good day at work?"

"No such animal," she smirked before kissing him gently.

Knowing their job was done and that Ryan was once again in Alexis's capable hands Paige and Taylor stood and smiled at the detective. "This was nice, we need to hang out more often." After a hug from Taylor and a kiss to his cheek from Paige the pair left the apartment with a soft click of the closing door.

Finally alone Ryan dropped his head onto his wife's lap and curled around her, his emotions unable to be suppressed any longer. "I'm so glad you're home."

"Me too," she said softly as she ran her fingers through his short hair. "So you guys looked at pictures?"

He nodded, "Yeah. Thanks for not letting me be here alone." She shifted slightly until they were both laying down and with her head on his chest she dropped her hand under his shirt and rubbed her fingers lightly over his smooth skin. "Lex, does this… bother you?"

She frowned in confusion, "You mean does it bother me that you still miss Jenny this much?" At his small nod she shook her head and hugged him tightly. "Not at all. I know she was a big part of your life and came at a really important turning point for you. I know you still love her but I know you love me too and I'm glad that you can talk about her with me. Nothing you do bothers me, especially not important things like this. I've never felt jealous or threatened by your affections for her."

No more words were needed and no more were spoken, the only thing breaking the silence the occasional sniffle.


End file.
